go with it

I started pursuing a college degree just over 20 years ago. That’s crazy to say. It’s even crazier to say that I have yet to arrive at the goal I set for myself at the time. A goal that didn’t even seem like a goal, it just seemed like a given. The next step on my journey to greatness. Failure wasn’t even on my radar. It certainly was not an option.

But neither was what happened in January. Or May. Or the following December. None of it was on my radar. And all of it happened anyway. Despite my best intentions, highest hopes, and hardest work. Nothing prepared me for what was to come.

Every time I restart school, I feel as though I open the door to trouble. And not just the “oh it’s raining outside today” kind of trouble. It’s more like the “oh it’s raining outside, I’m already on crutches, the elevator is broken so I’ll take the stairs, fall, break my hip, and change my life forever” kind of trouble. And I’m not talking one and done.

The trouble doesn’t always happen to me personally, but it is sure to impact me in radical ways. Every. Damn. Time.

The first go around it didn’t phase me too much. I was a freshman in college and I was super-human. Capable of anything and everything. Plus, I had been an asshole to some pretty great people, so I guess I felt like I kind of deserved it. This was my way of repaying the universe for the hurt that I had caused. I stepped up to the plate, accepted my punishment, and tried to make the best of it. Now I’m not saying that tactic worked out for me, but it is how I handled it at the time.

But here we are. 20 years later. And still it’s happening. Whether it’s an injury, a pandemic, a relapse, or the struggle of a close family member or friend, chaos seems to creep in just when I’m starting to get my footing in an arena that already brings massive waves of anxiety.

I started school on the 1st with big plans. Chaos hit on the 15th. On the 16th I knew that life was going to be hectic and unpredictable. I had worked my butt off those first 2 weeks, I passed the pre-assessment for my first course, and I had a good feeling. And I wasn’t going to just sit there and let history repeat itself. So on Monday afternoon, I found a testing slot open at 2:30, I scheduled my exam, I set up my room for online proctoring, and I took the final for my first class of my new program. And I passed. Within 2 weeks of starting school, I passed my first class.

Take that, universe.

I’m done letting circumstance steal my present and my future. My hopes and my dreams. My passions and my plans. Even the transient ones.

This time of year brings up a lot for me. There are a lot of endings. And I’m not talking about the end of the year. I’m talking about the kind of endings that bring pain and sorrow. Things buried deep inside somehow wiggle their way up to the surface and fill my eyes with tears that no one really seems to understand or appreciate.

Things shouldn’t bother me anymore. I should be over that. I’m just using it as an excuse. I have so much to be happy about. The brightness of the future should outweigh the sadness of the past. I’m taking things too personally. Making things too meaningful.

Bullshit.

I think my ability to feel things deeply gives me what youth and naivety told me I possessed 20 years ago. At the time, I thought I had super-human strength because I had checked all these things off someone’s list of what makes you successful. I thought my intelligence, athleticism, and leadership made me invincible and destined for greatness. I was wrong.

I don’t think I had super-human strength at age 18. But I do think I have it today. And it has nothing to do with accomplishments or success. And having it in no way means that I am invincible. But even without it, I was destined for greatness.

Because humans are meant to fight. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. That’s what makes a fight a fight.

And greatness isn’t what we’re taught to think it is as a teenager. Being a varsity athlete doesn’t make you great. Making all-state orchestra doesn’t make you great. Landing a full-ride scholarship to your dream school doesn’t make you great. I mean, all those things are great. Really great, even. But those THINGS don’t make YOU great.

I’m learning a lot in the second course of the degree I’m currently pursuing. The class is on Giving, Receiving, and Incorporating Feedback. Due to my many years of experience and a long list of failures, this class is mostly common sense to me. And I love it. I love finding out that all those years of turmoil are currently saving me time and allowing me to fly through course material and reach my goals faster. I also love seeing how everything that happened to me has guided me closer and closer to who I want to be. And just how close “who I want to be” is to “who I currently am.” And the career that I am currently pursuing didn’t even exist 20 years ago, so no wonder it took me so long to get here. I mean it kind of makes everything okay and worth it, right?

Life is super messy right now, but studying and doing assignments is actually something that I look forward to most days. Not as an escape from my reality, but as something that excites me, motivates, me, and gives me hope and purpose. I’ve spent so many years looking for inspiration. Striving to find a purpose so that I could leave a legacy.

When all this time my purpose was something that I was creating daily. Through success. Through failure. Through challenges. Through victories. Through gifts. Through loss.

Legacy is something I live daily.

I saw someone speak years ago about what you do with your dash. They were referencing the dash that lays between your birth and death dates on your tombstone. Your life. “What will you do with your dash?”

I’ve spent so much of my “dash” trying to figure out what to do with my “dash”, meanwhile, my “dash” has been dashing away.

At my age, it’s easy to think about the length of life we get. If I’m lucky, I have like 50% of my life left. If I live to 80. WOAH. That is scary. But then I think, “Well, I still have over 15 years before I qualify as a senior citizen for something like the senior center that I volunteer at.” Which means like at least 25 years of time I’m expected to be a working member of society.

It’s easy for me to look back on the past 20 years knowing that if my life had gone as planned, I’d have spent the last 16 years pursuing my dream career. And it’s easy for me to look back instead and see a winding path filled with roadblocks and obstacles that sought to destroy me. And it’s easy to get bitter and at times want to throw in the towel.

But it’s equally easy to realize that the 25+ years I have to gain are worth infinitely more than the 16 years I’ve already lost.

I get to pick whether I put my future tick marks in the “gained” or “lost” column. I get to determine what creates my dash.

And—I mean—as I learned even today, nothing is ever really lost.

So yeah, life is a lot right now. I cry pretty much every day. And yeah, sometimes it’s due to sorrow or fear. But more often than not, it is due to a full heart that sees just how much I stand to lose because life is short and my world is rich in blessings.

In learning to be okay with sadness, I have seen first-hand that the sun rises every day. Depending on the season, the sun rises at a different time each day. And the days end differently, too. Some sunsets come too soon. But it’s all really beautiful and nothing is ever 100% over. With the exception of an eclipse, the sun’s path through the sky is gradual. And some days are sunny and some days are rainy. The sunny days are good for the beach and the rainy ones are good for movies. And some days are hot and some days are cold. The hot days are good for iced coffee and the cold ones are good for cat snuggles and fuzzy blankets. Everything has its time and place.

I am grateful to have learned these lessons. And I believe I have learned them earlier in my life than most. Which makes me more open to learning all the lessons life has to offer. Through choice, circumstance, a friend, or an enemy, I am open to all the experiences life throws my way.

These days, I live in the grey. I hold what I have carefully. Because I know just how terrible things can get and I know how miraculous it is that I have what I have today. So I know things can get worse, which simultaneously produces gratitude and anxiety. But I also know that things can get better, which simulatneously produces hope and anxiety. So I try to live with gratitude and hope, while exercising the acceptance of a healthy dose of anxiety.

It seems to be working for me now, so I’m just going to go with it.