I don’t even know

I have this intense desire to write, but I don't really know what I'm writing about.  I have a couple of ideas, but no real direction.  So I'll just start and see where we end up.  Sound like a plan?

Last weekend we broke out the photo albums.  You know we're looking at old pictures when we're breaking out albums.  2 huge ones.  From 17 years ago.  Gosh that's an eternity.  And it is.  At least it feels like it.  It feels like an entirely different lifetime.

This time 17 years ago, we were finishing up week 2 of a 3 week trip to Australia.  The trip of a lifetime.  From the outside looking in, I was one lucky girl.  I was involved in an organization called Job's Daughters International and I had been selected to represent the young women of Maryland in 2002.  There was a lot involved.  It was a big commitment.  At the time I would have told you that one of the greatest honors and responsibilities was to compete in the Miss International pageant.  That year to be held in Australia.

I took my role as Miss Maryland Job's Daughter very seriously.  I was super involved. Very dedicated.  Extremely invested.  Everything you'd want in a Miss Job's Daughter.  And I desperately wanted to represent my state well in Australia.  A lot of people believed in me.  Put their confidence in me.  Thought that I had a fighting chance.  And so did I.  The pressure was immense.  A lot of that pressure I placed on myself, of course.  But I'd be lying if I didn't say there were outside pressures, too.  A great deal of it.

I don't know if I've ever told anyone this, but I made God a deal the morning of the Miss International Job's Daughter pageant.  I told him that if the interview, written test, and recitation would not win me the crown, that I did not want to be in the top 10.  I didn't want to have to answer that final question if I didn't have a shot at winning.  Well he held up his end of the bargain.  I didn't make the top 10.  And I'll never know if it was because I wouldn't have placed or would have been a runner up or if I honestly just wasn't good enough to make the cut in the first place.  And I'm okay with that.

You know I only have one regret from that trip.  And it's not losing the pageant.  And it's not disappointing my state.  My biggest regret is not having more fun.  For being so invested in a competition that I missed out on the ocean.  The architecture.  The wildlife.  And the billions of stars that I'll never see again.  Sure, I made memories.  I had fun.  I loved it.  But I can't help but believe that it could have been a more enjoyable experience if I had made the trip without the weight of a cape and crown.  Both literally and figuratively.

That's all I'll say about Job's Daughters today or any other day, really.  Because that's enough.

Anyway, as we sat looking at old photos, I was reminded of the promise that God fulfilled for me 17 years ago while halfway around the world.  And it makes me tear up.  It makes me think of all the moments I've felt God the closest.  The moments I was comforted by his embrace. And I'm not talking about a lost title.  I'm talking about hurt and loss.  Failures, divorce, illness, pain, motherhood.  Real.  Life.  Stuff.

And it makes me realize just how distant I am from him.  Now.  Here.  In this moment.  This year, even.

I've faced many struggles this year.  My bipolar, my eating disorder, and now this debilitating dizziness that makes me barely able to drive and causes me to miss work.  I can't even think.  I'm waiting a month for testing and answers.  All I can do is wait.  And cry.  And wait.  And have I called out to God even once?

No.

After all the times he's fulfilled his promises and comforted me in my pain and suffering, I have yet to turn to him in the middle of this trial.  And that's a difficult thing to admit.  Especially working in a church.

Why don't I do it?  Why don't I cry out?  I don't know, really.  I have no good answer.  It's not like I doubt his ability to comfort and heal me.  I don't doubt it at all.  I know I need him.  I know this distance is slowly killing me.  My heart is hardened and my soul is weary.  I know that.

Yet here I am.  Alone.  With no one to blame.  I'm the one choosing to be alone.  Failing to cry out for help.  Failing to admit my need for Jesus.

So here I am.  Ready.  Finally.  Crying out to my comforter.  Even if he doesn't bring healing to my body, I know without a doubt that he can bring healing to my soul.  He has before and he can again.  And that is what I truly need, isn't it?

I thought I'd write more about how awful I feel right now.  The injustice of it all.  How great my struggle is.  Blah blah blah.  But my struggle is really no more or less than yours.  So it's pretty pointless to write about it.  At least today.

I don't know where to go from here.  I've fallen away and then come back into God's presence enough times, you'd think I'd know what I have to do.  But I don't.  I'm open to suggestions.  Every time is different.

How we went from photos, to crowns, to struggles, to healing, to confession in only 1,000 words is really beyond me.  And if you've stuck around until now, I'm impressed.  So thank you.  Thanks for listening.

What I really want to say is that you all inspire me.  As I watch my friends live lives that echo the heart of Jesus, it makes me desire that passion for myself.  That relationship with my savior.  That intimacy that fuels a life worth living.  So thank you for unknowingly proding my towards Jesus.  Like I said; you inspire me.