If Only You Could See

It's funny how I can go a whole day receiving no texts, Facebook messages, or phone calls...then get bombarded when I sit down to paint my nails.  I mean giving yourself a manicure is hard enough, people.  Try doing so while engaging in 3 conversations at once...all while watching a movie.  It takes talent.

But I would never let those conversations sit unanswered.  I can't.

Suddenly, I'm transported to a time at Mercy.  My hardest week there.  Without a doubt.  We were blessed with the opportunity to share 2 days with a woman who had just released a book.  She spoke with us and shared the most vulnerable pieces of her own story.  She challenged us.  It was during the second morning of her visit that I received earth-shattering news.  I couldn't stop sobbing.  All day I cried like I've never cried before.  My counselor sat next to me while the speaker taught.  At one point in her teaching, the woman looked up and her eyes pierced my soul.  "You," she said.  "You have a soft heart."

More tears.  Where were they coming from, anyway?

Maybe it's my soft heart that overwhelms me with empathy and compassion when my phone blows up with messages from the hurting.  Those yearning for someone to listen.  With a love for these women who want to share their lives with me.

My Dearest Sister,

You are beautiful.  If only you could see.

See the flawless features of your face.  Your captivating personality.  Your laugh.  Oh, how seldom you laugh.  But when you do, it's glorious.  It fills a room.  Like your smile.  Your real smile.  Not the one you put on for the world, but the one that comes from a peace.  A peace that's so elusive.  I see the way you strain.  You twist and turn and grasp and cry.  If only you could see how close it was.  A state of rest.  The one you so deeply crave.  The one you deserve, despite your doubts.  If only you could see.

See that you are not alone.  That even as I speak to you, there are 3 others doing the same.  Expressing their state of brokenness.  Their shame.  Their hopelessness.  Their disappointment in what they've become.  You are not alone in your desperation.  In your struggle.  See the anger in my eyes.  The fire in my heart that burns with rage at the evil one who crushes your spirit and those of the ones I love.  If only you could see the lies.  That you have been deceived.  Oh how my heart breaks for you.  For us.  If only you could see.

See that the world is more than a shadow.  That you are more than skin and bones and blood coursing through your veins.  You have a heart.  A beautifully intricate heart filled with unique passion.  Talent beyond your comprehension.  You are an all-consuming radiant being.  Carefully crafted by an Almighty God.  If only you could see that "complicated" meant complex, not tormented.  Intricate in the most compelling way.  If only you could see.

See the light that is your life.  The darkness that would fill the world if you were not in it.  The richness you bring to the lives of those who love you.  See that you are loved.  Not for what you do.  For who you are.  See that perfection is a myth.  One that torments lovely women like you.  The trap.  Oh, the trap that leads to death.  Darkness.  See that grace covers everything.  That you are enough.  Now.  In this moment.  If only you could see.

See that you are where you're supposed to be.  That you are fulfilling God's will for your life in the present.  I see your yearning.  The way you punish yourself and wonder.  Oh, your restless heart.  It searches and searches and searches for answers.  The fear.  The fear that you are not where you're supposed to be.  That you made a wrong choice.  That you're on the right path.  See, sister.  See!  That every choice was a right one.  That you are always in God's presence.  Even in this season.  If only you could see.

See the end of the story.  The one that culminates in the ultimate victory.  The crown upon your head.  See that you are a princess; a daughter of the King.  Oh, the beauty of your character.  The loveliness of your heart.  The purity of your spirit.  That it's okay to yearn for more.  That you were never meant to be satisfied here.  That you were created for a different world.  A better one.  If only you could see.

See, my sister.  We are blind to the truth of our identities, yet we see it so clearly in others.  Believe, my sister.  That these words are true for you.  That you are beautiful.  Brilliant.  Radiant.  Unique.  Priceless.  That you are not alone.  Oh, if only you could see.  That the stories you hear are rare.  Embellished.  Edited and revised to convince you that you are not enough.  If only you could see my heart behind this letter.  That your story...your doubts...your loneliness...your shame...your restlessness...it is universal in a way that is devastating.  If only you could see.

See yourself in the mirror.  See the glow.  See yourself surrounded by your sisters.  Feel the love you have for one another and...for a moment...have compassion on yourself.  Let your love for others reflect in your own eyes.  See the truth and not the lies.  See the beauty within yourself.

See, my sister.  See.