reality check
It’s been a while since I last posted. I wanted my previous post to be what people saw when they visited my site via the link I sent out in my Christmas cards. “Wait,” you might be saying. “I didn’t receive a Christmas card.”
Don’t feel bad. You’re in good company. I wrote most of the cards but had a few stragglers, which resulted in me…failing to mail the cards. To anyone. They’re still sitting on the corner table awaiting completion. Collecting dust.
And now it’s practically 2 months after Christmas and I feel like I miiiiiight have missed the window.
Just know it’s nothing personal.
I’d like to announce another disclaimer before I get started here. My keyboard has recently decided to be weird with its “n” key, so there might be some extra “n”s sprinkled throughout the post. Of course I’ll proofread before publishing, but I inevitably always miss something. So there. You’ve been warned.
Lately I’ve been having EXTREMELY vivid dreams. So so vivid. And strongly rooted in events/circumstances that I have ACTUALLY experienced. Some in the very distant past. Others relatively recent.
One of the more frequent subjects of these dreams has been the time I spent in NROTC and on the ODU sailing team. Memories from nearly 20 years ago flash through my dream state as though they are happening in the present. And I wake up absolutely 100% exhausted. Nostalgic. Disappointed. Wistful.
Each night is filled with vivid details of the people, places, and experiences I encountered, causing endless “what ifs” to rise to the surface of my consciousness once I wake. I feel things like anxiety, pride, excitement, disappointment, fear, joy, and grief. Like, in my dreams I feel these things. And then I awake and remember and continue to experience these intense emotions.
And then I step back and take in the fact that it is 2024. And my life is very very different from what I pictured for myself 20 years ago. Which I’ve discussed in the past and feel no need to rehash right now.
The last couple of weeks I’ve been in a slump. My motivation and energy have significantly decreased. The degree of fatigue I experience seems to increase with each passing day. I don’t feel depressed. I’m not super sad or bursting with anxiety. I’m just…overwhelmed maybe? I don’t know. That still doesn’t feel like the right word. I’ll let you know if I come up with something better.
Anyway, in order to make myself feel better, I remind myself of how much better my life is today thank it was a year ago. This time last year I was living in Plano, Texas at an inpatient eating disorder treatment center. I was very sick. I experienced interventions I had never before encountered. It was difficult and lonely and scary. It also saved my life.
Although that’s as far as I will go into detail-wise in this post, the vivid details that I experience in recollection of my time in Texas rattle me to my core and are recently always present.
The juxtaposition of the NROTC dreams (NOT reality) and Texas (100% a REAL experience) is striking.
My current dreams are a reflection of the oh-so-short amount of time I was blessed with getting to live my dream of training to serve my country in the U.S. Navy. When I was kicking butt and journeying towards greatness.
My memories of Texas remind me of the depths to which my illnesses can take me. They remind me of how far I’ve come and how hard I’m willing to work to stay here. Here or better. Never worse.
The NROTC dreams make me nostalgic, but will never ever become reality. Which makes me sad.
The Texas memories are traumatic and have the potential to repeat themselves if I’m not vigilant with my recovery. Which makes me fearful.
The intensity with which I experience both the dreams and the memories can be paralyzing at times. Maybe that’s why I’m so exhausted.
But I think I’m using them to gather fuel to propel me into my future. A future full of brightness and joy rather than darkness and depression. A future that will have pain but not suffering. A future that embraces challenges knowing that defeat is never eternal.
So I take the good with the bad and figure out how to transform it into something even better than 17 year-old Brittany could have imagined. It might not happen today or this week or next month, but I’m hoping it will happen sooner rather than later.
Until then, though my sleep is restless, I’ll remain forever grateful to lay my head on a pillow in my bedroom here in Maryland rather than a hospital room in Plano, Texas.