Restless

I know that I haven't exactly been the most reliable blogger as of late.  And I don't have a good excuse; I've had plenty of time, plenty of material, and plenty of thoughts.  I have so many ideas.  So many beliefs.  So many dreams.

Dreams.  I never thought I'd say that one again.  I was going through my journal when I ran across something I had written not too long ago...

“Sometimes I worry that I’ll never be encouraged to pursue greatness or chase the impossible again for fear of what I might loose.”

I'm going to be a bit vulnerable and let you in on a little secret.  I think we all have something that we plead with God for.  Some people plead for time, for love, for money, for healing.  Don't get me wrong; I've been known to plead for such things as well.  But I don't remember ever pleading with God for something so intentionally before...with my whole heart.

So what is my plea, exactly?

Vision that leaves a legacy.

That has been my desperate, heart-felt plea.  I'd even go so far as to say that I've begged for it.

I've never begged for a vision before; I've always created my own.  I've spent my life building dreams upon dreams.  Every action I took was rooted in the pursuit of some goal.  It gave me a purpose.  It gave life meaning.  It made me confident and driven and successful.  It also destroyed me.  It eventually left me dreamless.  My purpose faded.  I felt empty.

I won't get into the story of how this void eventually became a blessing in my life (that's for another time).  But it's important for you to understand that it did.  The void was filled by Jesus.

I know that he is more than enough, yet I've still felt restless.  It wasn't that I was just "going through the motions."  I've been present and intentional in all that I've done, but it's been without a goal.  There has been no dream, no purpose, no motive.  Without realizing it, I believe I've been waiting.  It hasn't been pretty or patient.  There's been some complaining, whining, and crying involved.  But hey, for a person inexperienced in the art of waiting, even the restless kind is quite an accomplishment.

I believe in God and miracles and the power of prayer.  I do.  But I'm still amazed when God answers my prayers with a word.  He has given me a vision.  He has planted a seed in my heart.  And it is precious to me.  So precious.

By now, you're probably wondering what it is.  What is this vision that God has given me?  Well, to be honest, I'm still not 100% sure.  It comes in pieces.  God gives me just enough, then tells me to wait.  Here's the best part, though.  He tells me to wait restlessly.

It turns out that God loves the way that I wait.  He created me that way.  He loves that I soak in the present, yet yearn for more.  He loves my genuine gratitude for the healing and transformation that I have received, and he loves that I refuse to accept it as enough.  He loves my search for purpose, my desire for legacy.

I think we're taught that if we're not content, we're discontent; if we're not satisfied, we're dissatisfied.  I beg to differ.  The world is not black and white.  I'm tired of the lines; the call to take a stand in a world that is way more than 50 shades of grey.

So go ahead.  Be restless.  Wait.  Dream.  Wander.  Use a pencil instead of a pen ( because it's ok to change your mind) and color outside the lines with those big chunky crayons.  I don't care and neither should you.  It's ok if you get a little lost as long as you're playing the game.  Ask questions.  Stay engaged.  Reach out and touch the world.  But, most importantly, don't be afraid to let it touch you.