streams and streaming

I’ve cried a lot in the last 24 hours.

Every once in a while, I’m blindsided by the rawness of life. Not in a bad way. At all. Just in a way that kind of shakes me. Wakes me up. Alerts me to the fact that life is happening to and around me. Every day.

I think days like yesterday are a good thing. Crying reminds me that I’m alive. Very much so. Just like a giant belly laugh. It’s a multi sensory activity. My eyes see something incredibly moving. My ears hear music or poetry that strikes deep in my soul. I feel a tear fall down my cheek. And my body trembles with emotion. It’s like an earthquake to my senses. Everything shifts internally. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Sometimes spiritually. I am brought to a new place. A fresh place.

And there is something cathartic in an experience like that. A good cry leaves you both exhausted and refreshed. It’s a unique experience. In fact, humans are the only animals that shed tears as an expression of emotion. Now isn’t that something?

So what brings on an episode of reflection such as this? Yesterday it was multiple streaming services. That’s right folks. Netflix, Disney Plus, and Youtube cracked me in half yesterday. Honestly, there was no response that felt correct other than a flood of tears.

The shows I watched on Netflix and Disney Plus reflected real life issues in a not-so-subtle way. Illness, death, brokenness, healing, hope, pain, and love. All aspects of the human experience. All expressed in the context of a very tangible version of reality.

Sort of. I mean it’s television, right? Obviously nothing in real life is packaged so neatly. The brokenness recovered in such perfection is a silly notion indeed. But the feelings are there and left me vulnerable to something that is very real indeed.

We turned on a Youtube video. One we’ve watched before. One that is moving beyond words. One about a real person living a real struggle with real hope and purpose in his very real life. The story of a hero who is around my age. Whose passions were not all too different than mine. A desire to serve fostered in the hell our country faced during our time in high school. A desire that set our lives on a different course than we had ever anticipated.

We were injured within days of each other. And while my injury derailed my dreams in one way, his injuries were far more traumatic than mine. And to see his journey. His fight for independence. His positive attitude. His hope for the future. It moves me every time I watch the video. Deeply.

I know for a fact his journey has not been an easy one. Our fathers were very close friends. Which makes him and his fight even more real to me.

It shakes me. My lip trembles at first. Then my whole body. I’m reminded of all that has been lost. And all that we stand to recover. The hope we stand to gain. The independence we stand to achieve. The life we stand to live.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the sorrow and broken dreams that occurred when we were so young. But I look at this man who lost everything and I see vibrance. And he reminds me of how little I lost in the grand scheme of things, you know? Of just how much I was left with.

Usually I would feel a little bit guilty about the pity parties I’ve thrown myself throughout the years when compared with someone’s true suffering and loss in service of our nation. But last night I just allowed myself to feel the tears and the deepness of feelings I cannot even name. Pride, sorrow, gratitude, shame, hope, grief? None of those words feel right. I just sat in it. Whatever “it” is.

And then I pick myself up. I remind myself of all I have to live for. All I’ve been given. All I’ve survived. And the future that is spread before me. Open and full of possibility.

I can see my life in a multiverse type of situation. The life I’ve lost, the life I’m living, and the life I stand to gain. And it’s all kind of beautiful when everything collides.

I do have hope for the future. A hope I rarely thought possible. A hope unrestrained by my past. A hope filled with new dreams, fresh passion, and a steadfast purpose.

Knowing that mine is a life worth living.