tms and life and such

Today was my second to last TMS treatment. And I don't want to sound dramatic, but TMS has changed my life.

What is TMS, you might be asking? Well. TMS stands for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. It is a treatment for depression in which they stimulate the mood regulation areas of the brain with magnetic pulses. There's a lot of sciencey stuff that goes into it...obviously. Check out the Greenbrook website for lots of info and videos and stuff if you're really interested in finding out more.

Anyway. I say that TMS has changed my life, and it has. But let me rewind a little bit. I mean, why would a girl need a life changing treatment for depression in the first place?

It's been a rough year. I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty of it. I'm just going to say. It's been a rough year. Mostly I just haven't been able to catch a break health-wise. Sick this, broken that, broken this, sick that. There and back again. And before you know it I find myself at the Eating Recovery Center in Chicago for 6 weeks. While in Chicago I was introduced to TMS, but only got 3 weeks of treatment in, which isn't ideal by any means. Insurance cut my eating disorder treatment short and thus my TMS treatment ended and I was sent home. I crashed. Hard. Core. My mood plummeted and I became a zombie. I did intensive outpatient for my eating disorder, but things quickly fell apart in that department as well.

My psychiatrist suggested I pursue TMS again, so I did. The process to pursue TMS was tedious. Lots of appointments and waiting to see if insurance would approve the treatment. At the same time, we decided it would be best to step up to the partial hospitalization program (PHP) for my eating disorder. I just needed more support overall. Everything eventually came together. I started PHP and then found out I was approved to begin TMS treatment, as well. TMS is 5 days a week for 6 weeks. PHP runs 8am-6pm. That meant I went to TMS at 7am, then drove straight to PHP every weekday. Long. Days.

But worth it.

I started noticing small differences at about 3-4 weeks after beginning TMS treatments. I had a little bit more energy. A little more interest in things. And slowly things began to turn around. I just felt...lighter. I didn't have those ugly thoughts that haunted me every. single. day. I had the desire to clean my room and make plans with friends and do the things that once brought me joy.

I'm not cured. My anxiety is still a HUGE obstacle I have yet to overcome. I still feel sad sometimes (like any normal human does). I still struggle with motivation and concentration and I love my naps and such. BUT. I feel a MILLION times better. Like. I don't feel like a zombie any more. I feel alive. And I had gotten to the point that I wasn't quite sure that was in the cards for me.

So. I am a believer in the power of the magnetic morse-code-like tapping sensation on my skull 5 days a week, despite waking up at 5:30 am for 6 weeks to do so. After the 6 weeks, I did a week of 3 days, a week of 2 days, and then next week I'll go in on Monday and then I'll be done!

I did PHP in Maryland for 8 weeks and discharged last Thursday. Whew. What a ride.

I've been in treatment for a total of 5 months so far and I'm now doing Virtual IOP Monday, Wednesday, Thursday 11am - 2pm.

This has been a long run of treatment for sure and I'm still on the roller coaster. Just when I think I'm stable, something throws me for a loop and I need to get my bearings again. I don't know why, but it's been really challenging this time around. But I'm hanging in there and learning new skills and trying to apply them daily. I feel much stronger than when I started and with this boost in my mood, I am in a much better place to make positive changes in my life.

I have been so blessed with an amazing support system through this journey. There is no possible way I could have gotten this far without them. You know who you are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So basically there were a couple of points to this post. One was to give you an update. It's been quite a while since my last post and I owed my readers some material.

The other point is this. It's to offer some hope. That even when things seem dark and desolate...like you're out of options...you're not. There is always hope. Just keep searching. Looking. Don't give up. There is something out there for you. I promise. I'm not saying it's TMS. I mean maybe it is. It certainly could be. It's worth checking out. But it's something. There is SOMETHING out there for you.

P.S. I meant for this to be a bit more creative. I know this was kinda bland. But I'm a bit under the weather (go figure) and my creative juices have been zapped up along with my voice. Still, I felt compelled to write, and I haven't felt that in forever, so who was I to deny Wordpress its calling? I'm not making any promises, but I do hope to make another appearance in the near future with something a little more...Brittany. So stay tuned.

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