Why Not?
Well we’re a month into 2022 and it’s been quite a year thus far. I started it off sick. Not Covid. Probably the flu. That put me out of commission for a good 2 weeks.
Then I fractured a bone in the top of my foot at the end of January. No work for 3 weeks. That ends 2/14.
But. Then I have my gallbladder removed on 2/15. No work for 2 weeks.
I also happen to be in the midst of a hypomanic episode.
And I just failed the practice assessment for my Intermediate Accounting II midterm.
I feel out of control and at a complete and total loss. A failure. Hopeless. Basically all the crappy words and feels.
I start and stop 50 things a day. I get 4-5 hours of interrupted sleep a night. I am restless and exhausted simultaneously. It just totally sucks.
When I found out I wouldn’t be working during the month of February, I decided to dedicate my time towards knocking out a decent amount of school. Well that is practically impossible with my brain in the space it’s currently residing.
So I basically have doctors appointments, try to study, and attempt to follow my meal plan. I’ve made lunch and coffee dates with a few friends this week to create some structure and get me out of the house. And of course because they’re really cool peeps and I miss them.
I just feel like such a slacker. I’m really getting down on myself and I know that’s not helpful, but it’s where I am right now.
On the plus side, my animals make me smile. A lot. And Skylar is a good kiddo who has helped me out a lot. And my parents are the best. And we might not have reached our Kickstarter goal, but the support that Fractured received BLEW MY MIND. I have the most amazing support system ever. So I know I’m lucky. I know I have a lot to live for. A lot to be grateful for. I make a 5 item gratitude list every morning as a reminder. I try to surround myself with things that make me smile. But it’s just really hard right now.
I’ll end with another big struggle I’m having right now and a little reframe that I (re)learned today. I have gained a lot of weight in the last year. And it’s really really hard on me. It’s a daily struggle. A major one. None of my clothes fit, I hate how I look in pictures, and I just generally immensely horrifically intensely dislike my body. But I was doing a Bible study today (not something I do on a regular basis honestly) and I was reminded that my body is a house of God. The Holy Spirit resides in me. My body is sacred. Not to be hated. To be honored and cared for. To make space for my creator.
And I’ll just leave you with that. And a picture of me with Chloe. Because I love her and I’m trying to love myself, so why not?
