aliveness

I’ve had a lot of good days. Maybe hard. Maybe challenging. Maybe bits were filled with rage or frustration. But overall, I’d say they’ve been good.

But today was a sad one. A raw one. The kind of day that makes my voice quiver as I call the Bingo numbers at the senior center. The kind of day that gives me an incurable nagging headache. The kind that makes me sentimental, nostalgic, and just kinda blue.

When the world wreaks havoc on one of your most favorite people in the universe, I guess you get a day like that. And everything that was once sad becomes sad again and brings a fresh wave of pain. A trickle effect. Both throbbing and stabbing if that’s even a thing that can happen.

In my life I’ve experienced tremendous physical pain. For sure. But the ache I feel in my soul on days like today is one that cannot be dulled. And honestly, I’m not sure I’d dull it if it can.

Going through life without experiencing any pain would mean a life without relationships (both romantic and platonic), without companionship (both human and animal), without passion, without attachment, without purpose. Essentially, without joy.

Having these things means we can lose them. Which is what creates pain. And it sucks. A lot. Especially on days like today.

But losing them means we had them to be begin with. No matter how short that time might have been. It means we had some joy in our lives.

Does the joy these things bring us outweigh the pain of their loss?

Today is a sad day, but still my answer is yes.

I think having a companion for a period of time is better than being alone forever. Even though loss and grief are devastating.

I think having passion and purpose is necessary and beneficial. Even though shattered dreams cut deep.

I continue to believe that pain reminds us that we are alive.

That we have loved.

That we have been loved.

That there is joy and happiness in the world.

That we can be fulfilled.

That every being we touch leaves a mark on our soul.

And if that’s true, it means that I leave a mark on the souls of others as well.

Just my existence.

It matters.

It’s all important.

In infinite ways that we cannot even begin to comprehend.

To change any of it would alter the course of the universe.

So even though it’s painful and even though it’s sad and even though it means that not every day is filled with optimism, I think it’s all still worth it.

A day to hold the fragility of it all in the palm of your hand and acknowledge that the world is messy and hurtful in catastrophic ways.

A day to remember all that has been lost over the years will inevitably remind you of all that you stood to lose to begin with. All the joy, passion, and hope you experienced through the “aliveness” that ultimately brought on the pain.

And the things that felt like they were holding you back yesterday, become the things that fill you with gratitude today. A reminder to never take my “aliveness” for granted when I can help it.