choices.

The last time I wrote was right before my surgery, which was at the end of March. It is now practically mid-September. I'm not going to try to cover over 5 months worth of territory in a single post, but I will bring you the highlights. This one is worth the read.

The surgery went well. I struggled a lot with motivation and extreme fatigue. Something we later realized was the result of a deep depression. Doing my PT exercises daily was not an easy task and I frequently fell short. I'm lucky things went as well as they did, honestly.

In mid-June I went to NYC with my sister and her family. We had SO MUCH FUN. But the night of our last day there, I started getting sick. Like really sick. They ended up dropping me off at the hospital near my house on the way home. I got IV fluids and nausea meds. I wound up in the ER a few days later with the same outcome. Except this time I had a doctor who was brutally honest. Almost hurtful. But it was what I needed to hear. She said something along the lines of "If you don't address the root cause of your symptoms, you're just going to end up here every few days for IV fluids until the end. You need to take care of your anxiety."

I just sobbed. I called my psychiatrist while I was waiting to be medicated and she told me I needed to go into PHP. As soon as I got home, I called Eating Recovery Center and scheduled an intake. I was barely eating or drinking. Something had to give.

I started PHP at ERC on Wednesday, July 7th. Little did I know what I had signed up for. ERC of Maryland is perhaps the best treatment I have ever received. I won't go into the details, but my peer group, the staff members, and my NP were all absolutely super stellar to infinity and beyond. It was definitely a journey.

I started hearing voices a few weeks into treatment and they were not telling me very nice things. It was time to check myself into the psych ward at the local hospital where I stayed for 1.5 weeks sorting out my meds. Then I went back to PHP at ERC to finish up my treatment.

While I was at the hospital, I got word that my position at work was being filled. Not by a temp. By a permanent person. And my boss said we would talk about my future upon my return.

I had NO IDEA what that meant. Did it mean I wouldn't have a job? Did it mean I would have a part-time job? Doing what, exactly? And where? Were they going to stick me in a closet somewhere? I was completely and utterly distressed and had to exist in that state for over a month.

Or did I?

Like I said, I was devastated initially. It rocked my world. But then I started thinking about things a little deeper. And wondering if this was a sign of some sort. More like a crossroads. Yes, definitely a crossroads. I had some decisions to make. Like...life altering decisions. And it was then that I decided it was time to start looking around for a part time job that really spoke to me and could carry me into the future that I envisioned for myself. You know, the one I told myself I didn't deserve. The one I told myself was impossible.

What if I did and what if it wasn't?

I interviewed at the community college. Never heard from there. I applied at Stumpy's Hatchet House (an axe throwing place) and got hired on the spot. But the hours were super wonky. Which was a bummer because it sounded like a super cool job. Then I interviewed at Sweet Elizabeth Jane in Old Ellicott City. A complete fluke. I decided to get back on Instagram (@britters516 if you wanna follow...it's mostly dog pics, but we'll get there later). Well I follow SEJ and I saw in their stories that they were short staffed, so I sent them a message to see if they were hiring and they were! I loved it there. I loved the shop and the people and the location. I would be out and interacting with people. It was perfect. I also interviewed at a salon to work their front desk in the evenings and weekends. That position sounded super cool, too.

I got offered a position at SEJ and did not get offered the salon gig. So I accepted SEJ's offer and turned in my 2 weeks notice at Chapelgate yesterday morning.

Oh yeah, back to Chapelgate. So I did have a meeting with my boss and her boss on September 1st. The day after I got discharged from PHP. I was offered a part-time job. First I would be training my replacement. Then I would be working mostly from home 20 hours a week. I gave it a week while applying and interviewing for other jobs. Then I decided it just wasn't for me. The work I was left with was just too stressful. I'm not sure I'd be able to maintain effective boundaries. I was lonely. Exhausted. Stressed. Miserable. It was time for a change.

Telling my boss was so so hard, but she seemed to take it well. And now I feel like a million pounds have been lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe again. I can walk with pep in my step again. I can LAUGH again. I have hope and joy and optimism again. I feel like Brittany.

This decision was a difficult one. I'll be making less money, but I'm also going to be applying for disability. I'm going from a professional career to one in retail. Don't people typically do that differently? I'm leaving something that I'm good at for something entirely unknown. Am I scared?

Honestly...no. I believe 100% that this is the right decision for me. I don't regret turning in that letter to my boss yesterday. It is the best decision for my mental, physical, and emotional health. And, in the long run, it's the best decision for my employer. It WILL be ok. I just know it.

I could go into more detail. The anger. Rage. Frustration. Embarrassment. Shame. All that negative stuff that was super intense at times. But what good would that do? Today I am at peace. And for me, that's a good enough reason not to relive the past.

The reason I was intent on writing this today is because today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I almost lost my life 1.5 months ago in an episode of psychosis. Driving my car into a tree seemed like the best idea ever according to the voices in my head. And then I lost my job. My identity was non-existent.

That's when I realized that I had put all my eggs in one basket and something had to change. Part of what needed to change was me. The other part was my circumstances. What most people aren't aware of is the fact that we have control over both. Not all the time and not in every circumstance. But more often than not, we do have control. It's not easy and it's not what we want to hear. But that job that's killing you? You can leave it. Even if it feels illogical and impossible. You DO have a choice. And those negative thoughts? You CAN replace them with positive ones. You get to pick whether or not you seek help in difficult times. We always have a choice.

I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying it's all rosy. I know I'll run into difficulties on this journey. But I saw a problem and I took actions to change it instead of letting my hopelessness consume me. I made a choice.

And so can you.

P.S. I also adopted a dog rescued from the streets of Kabul, Afghanistan. Her name is Goldie and I am head over heels in love. She is very shy and has some adjusting to do, but we're making progress and she is so so sweet :)