Desperate

Well I'm about to get super real.  I don't like doing it - or rather HAVING to do it - but I'm a writer and it's just what I do.  So here it goes.

You haven't heard from me in a while.  I took 2 classes for the spring semester and that kept me fairly busy.  One was online and one was hybrid, so I wasn't on campus too much.  Overall I'd say it was a pretty good semester.  I learned a lot and pulled 2 As out of the hat, so that's not too shabby.

My plan was to take a summer class.

Until.

I got sick.  Not super sick.  Probably just allergies.  I was hacking up a lung and lost my voice so I went to the doctor.  She prescribed some allergy meds and an antibiotic.  And that was the end.  The cough was so bad it sometimes made me throw up and the antibiotic made me super nauseous.  It was so hard to eat, but I told myself it was just the antibiotic and I'd feel better once I was finished.

Well it didn't get any better.  It just got worse.

It makes me mad that a week of being sick is enough to send me into a spiral.  I sit there and stare at my plate and just feel sick to my stomach.  I don't want to throw up, so I don't eat very much.  I don't feel well because I'm not eating enough.  It's a vicious cycle.  And it only took a week.

I have worked SO HARD this last year to maintain recovery.  I've been vigilant, followed the meal plan, taken my meds, gone to my appointments.  I've done EVERYTHING.

And a WEEK of being sick sets me back how far???  It really ticks me off.  I mean I am ANGRY.  I cry.  Because I don't want to do this.  I don't want to sit at my plate and have an anxiety attack.  I know that I'm better than this.  I've come too far to get trapped in my head again.

Why???  It's something about the pathways in your brain.  Yeah, I've been working really hard to form new pathways, but 15 years of unhealthy pathways are hard to ignore.  Give my brain the opportunity to revert to the ruts and it sure as hell will.

I broke down and called my doctor today.  She called me back like 20 minutes later being like, "Brittany, what's wrong??"  I explained everything to her and she was really sweet about it.  She was worried about all the weight I've dropped in the last several weeks.  She said for me to start with just 50%.  Start with 50 and go from there.  And we'd try to do it outpatient, but I wasn't a failure if I had to do IOP again.  I don't want to do that.  I know I can do this.  If it took a week to get here, surely I can claw myself out of this mess fairly quickly, right?

I'm not trying to catastrophize.  I don't know that I'd call this a complete relapse.  But I am jumping on it fast because it's SCARY.  I'm terrified.  I hate feeling this way.  I'm exhausted.  I'm shaky.  I can't concentrate.  I'm hungry and nauseous at the same time.  It's horrible.

I don't think I've ever been in a place like this before.  Where I've been aware enough to see things go to shit so quickly and been so desperate to break out of the cycle.  And I am.  Desperate.  I don't want this.  I want to be free.  So so badly.  Gosh do I want to be free.

It makes me angry.  It makes me sad.  It makes me defeated.

I don't really know what else to say.  It is what it is.  I have no words of wisdom or insight or victory to share.  Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be ok.  Or maybe it'll take a little while.  I know it will get better, though.  It has to.  I'm not giving myself any other option.  I have a feeling it's going to be painful, though.  For some reason, this really sucks.  Hardcore.

Why did I write this if I don't have anything cheerful to say?  I don't know.  I guess I figured I can't be the only person who has found themselves in a situation like this.  Maybe it'll let someone else know they're not alone?  A lot of times I write to hopefully help other people.  Maybe this time I write to help myself?  I don't know.  I'm just writing.

So I dropped my online class, I made an appointment with my doctor, I packed my lunch for tomorrow.  I'm doing what I can and hoping for the best.  Hoping for that whole neuroplasticity thing to be true.  Apparently the brain is always changing and can learn new pathways.  We're not trapped in one way of thinking forever.  It's science.

So please, Lord, reroute my brain and free me from this cycle.  I sure can't do it myself.