Love Fiercely

I can't believe it's spring break already.  I've passed 2 midterms with flying colors and I'm halfway through the semester!  Wahoo!!

I started back at school last spring.  I took one class.  Then I took a summer class.  Then I registered for 2 fall classes.  Then life happened and I dropped both fall classes.  I tried it for about a week and then I freaked out.  My intermediate accounting class required a tutorial of everything you learned in 101 and 102.  I was failing every module.  I was going through some mental health stuff.  I decided to take the semester off and get my head straight.

Well my head isn't exactly straight, but it isn't on backwards either, so I figured it was worth it register for some courses again.  I'm an accounting major and I work in accounting, so no matter how I sliced it I was going to have to take that stupid intermediate accounting class.  So I decided to go ahead and register for that one along with a decision science class.  I dreaded it the whole month of January.  That tutorial haunted my dreams.

But this professor used a different tutorial than the one last fall and it was actually more of a refresher tool than a "make you feel like a complete and total idiot" kind of thing.  We had 3 weeks to do it and I sat down the Saturday before classes started and knocked the whole thing out in an afternoon.  It was a long day, but I did it.  The thing I'd been dreading since August was over and intermediate accounting could begin.  Bam.

Well.  I think it was week 2 or 3 when I just started crying in the middle of my bedroom with my textbook open in my lap.  "I HATE this," I sobbed.  "It's SO BORING."  "This is what I've decided to do?!?!"  "I can't do this for the rest of my life!!"  "What have I done?!?!"  "I'm going to be miserable."  "I thought I knew what I wanted to do and now I have no idea."  "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up but I have to do SOMETHING."  "I can't stay where I am."  "I'll never amount to anything."  "I'm wasting my time and money."  "What am I doing with my life?!?!"

Total.  Freakout.  But it's true.  I like what I'm doing, but I can't support my family on my own off of it.  I need more education to advance, but if this is what advancing looks like, I don't want to do it.  I'll keep doing what I'm doing.  I like what I'm doing.  This stuff sucks.

But I can't stay where I am forever.  I need to figure something out.  I'm almost 33.  I need to pick a road and walk down it.  And this road makes sense.  I'm told I'm good at it.  And no matter what road you pick, you have to wade through the theory.  Theory is boring.  And there's theory wherever you go.  You have to stick it out.

So I did.  And a few weeks later we're working on deferrals and accruals and journal entries and discontinued operations.  Oooooooo.  Finally something fun!  Maybe this isn't so bad after all.

You know it's really easy to get depressed.  If I am able to maintain the pace of 2 spring, 1 summer, and 2 fall classes year, it will take me at least 4 years to graduate.  4 YEARS.  I look at my degree plan and there's still so much to do.  But then I remember.  I'm 2 classes closer than I was this time last year.  And I'm halfway through 2 more!  You're required to have an undergraduate degree and 150 credits to sit for the CPA exam.  For most people that means getting a masters degree.  I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing, but I'll have 150 by the time I'm finished my undergrad without having to take any graduate level courses.  So I'll take a CPA prep class after I graduate and hopefully sit for the exam.  The CPA exam is in 4 parts and you must pass all 4 parts within 18 months.  So MAYBE in 6 years or so I MIGHT be able to do what I actually WANT to do with my life. By age 40.   Maybe.

And right now I'm not even sure it's what I want to do with my life.

All this work.  All this money.  All this time.  And I don't even know.

But not doing anything isn't getting me anywhere, so I've gotta do something.  Might as well get my learn on.

Life is stressful right now.  I'm working full time, going to school part time, parenting a 9 year old, volunteering, trying to make friends, maintaining recovery, and I'm in the middle of some serious medication management.  And I'm not sleeping at night.  It's exhausting.  Some days I get to the end of the day and I'm not really sure how I got there.  I get home from work and the last thing I feel like doing is breaking open a textbook.  And then my 9 year old has a complete meltdown.  Her screaming.  Her tears.  My tears.  My complete lack of faith in my ability to raise a human being.  More tears.  From both of us.  Sometimes with a hug at the end and sometimes it's just crying ourselves to sleep.  So we can do it again tomorrow.  It's exhausting.  And I'm not entirely sure how it's happening.  But it is.

That's the part I have to remind myself about.

I'm not sure how it's happening, but it is.  We make it through each day.  Somehow.  Some days are full of laughter and others we're limping across the finish line, but we're making it.  And that has to be enough.  We're not winning any trophies.  That's for sure.  But who needs a trophy anyway.  They just collect dust.

If there's one thing I'm learning, it's this.  We are fighters.  Skylar and I.  Sometimes that means we fight with ourselves and sometimes that means we fight with each other.  Both of which are hard and unnecessary.  But you know what else it means?  It means we fight FOR each other.  It means we fight for life.  It means we don't give up.  On ourselves or each other.  It means we're there for our people.  It means we're resilient.  It means we're warriors.

And to me that makes the other stuff a little less important.  It's ok that we both suck at spelling.  And maybe math isn't her strong suit.  We'll figure it out.  We always do.

I keep saying I'm not cut out for this.  I'm in over my head.  I'm out of my element.  And it's true.  All of it.

I have not been adequately prepared for this journey.  And it's no one's fault.  Just like it's no one's fault that Skylar has trouble managing her emotions.  We just have to accept where we are and take the next right step.  And right is a very subjective word.  Right today might be wrong tomorrow.  You've just gotta do the best with what you've got.

So I take what I have.  I draw on the resources around me.  I talk to the people I respect.  I study.  I work.  I learn.  I rest.  And most importantly...I love.  Fiercely.  Because when it comes down to it, Jesus isn't going to ask me how long it took me to become a CPA or if Skylar ever learned to write her cursive "b" correctly.  He's going to ask me how I loved.

So I'm in this season of life where there's a lot to work on.  A lot of things require my time and energy.  And sometimes sacrifices are going to have to be made.  And I don't like sacrifices.  And I'm going to have to decide what can be sacrificed.  Historically, I have sacrificed myself.  I've come far enough to know that's not an option.  So how will I decide?  How will I know what can slide and what simply cannot survive without my undivided attention?

I think it's the thing that breaths.  That has to be fed.  The thing that requires love.

I think that thing is Skylar.

Skylar makes me a better person.  Even in the moments of pain and rage, she shapes my heart and molds me into a more compassionate, patient, loving human being.  In fact, it's especially in those moments.  Sometimes she brings out the worst in me, but I think that's so I can take a look at myself and say, "Brittany, you are straight up unreasonable.  You need to change."  Sometimes it takes me a while to get the hint, but I get there eventually.  So I'm better next time.  I'm trying to become the person she needs me to be.

I'm quite certain that she is teaching me far more than I am teaching her.

If there's one thing I know it's that life isn't fair.  Usually that's said in a negative connotation.  All this shitty stuff happened to me and it's just not fair.  I've definitely uttered those words.  But you know what?  Life isn't fair in another way, too.  It's not fair that I got Skylar.  I don't deserve her.  She deserves far better than me.  But she's mine.  And I'm going to give her my very best.  Some days that looks like studying by myself in my room so that I can provide for her financially in the future and other days that looks like a Harry Potter marathon on the couch with the family.  Some days we are camping with Girls Scouts and other days are spent working on science fair projects.  And some days are covered in tears.  And that's life.  That's love.  That's our best.  And that's all anyone can ask of us.