happiest of days
Well today is May 18, 2024. It is exactly 1 year since my most recent treatment admission. It is also exactly 2 days after my 38th birthday. And I have a lot to be proud of.
Many people my age have a serious aversion to celebrating birthdays anymore. Aging gives them all sorts of negative emotions. And don’t get me wrong, I do have the occasional… “I seem to get older faster every year and I’ve barely accomplished anything of note in my life” moment. But. More than anything, I am filled with gratitude and awe. Which allows me to more fully celebrate and embrace every single precious moment. Which I think is actually pretty cool.
FIRST:
Last year I spent my birthday dinner in intensive outpatient treatment at Center for Discovery. Earlier in the day I had called Eating Recovery Center and planned my residential admission for the 18th. I spent most of the night sobbing.
This year, my dad and I went to Crumbl Cookies to snag birthday treats, treated ourselves to Starbucks, and drove to surprise my birthday buddy with some gifts after she got off work. Then Dad, Mom, and I went to Beck’s in Sykesville for a delicious dinner. I enjoyed every bite, every sip, and every breath I took.
SECOND:
Last year, I missed out on hearing all about Skylar’s school Adventure Trip. I was never available when she called from Chicago. I was not able to welcome her home due to my residential treatment admission. I said goodbye to Skylar on Monday, expecting to say hello in less than a week. I didn’t see her again for 2 months.
This year, I was home for every phone call and looked forward to her updates. Their plane from San Diego landed at 10:10pm yesterday. Way past my usual bedtime. But Dad and I went to pick her up and I was bouncing with excitement. Because I got to be there. I got to give her a huge hug and welcome her home. And my heart nearly burst. What a gift it was to simply exist in that moment.
THIRD:
Last year, I dreaded leaving the house and having to interact with the other parents at school or Girl Scouts. I felt inadequate, overwhelmed, and exhausted. 24/7.
This year, I have eagerly anticipated all the activities that signal the end of our MSW era. The Middle School Play was a real treat. I can’t wait to hear Skylar speak at the Closing Ceremony. I’m looking forward to the Annual Picnic. I’ll even tolerate the terrifying spinning wheel of death. The trip to Hershey with the Springdale-bound crew is something I’m excited for.
And that’s really just the start of it all. I haven’t felt this ALIVE in such a long time. I mean it’s certainly no cake walk. I’m still figuring out a lot of stuff. I have days that I just need to rest. So I do. I’m really just focusing on taking care of myself in every possible way. Which allows me to more fully engage with the people I care about the most.
I am more and more amazed with my daughter by the day. Watching Skylar grow is truly one of the greatest joys in my life. She is just an overall super cool human and I consider myself incredibly blessed to call myself her mother. I can’t believe we are where we are. In time. In our relationship. I mean the whole thing really is just one huge miracle that I’m surprised an overwhelmed by daily.
I guess what I’m saying is that my heart is filled with gratitude, which is really the best gift that I ever could have received for my birthday. I am blown away with the love, acceptance, encouragement, and support that I have received from everyone I encountered on my journey this past year. I wouldn’t be who or where I am without all the experiences and all people that I stumbled into.
All my love,
Brittany
