memories and moments
The last week and a half has been like a blast from the past. In ways that I both love and hate.
I spent a decent amount of time in our basement going through boxes and boxes and boxes of stuff to throw out or donate. But there were a few treasures in there that I could not bring myself to part with. Vision boards circa 2002. Momentos of years spent traveling around the state, country, and globe. Photos, posters, and drawings of dear friends from my elementary years, cross country team, and a high school musical, just to name a few. Journals upon journals upon journals. Cards of encouragement sent to me in troubling times. A favorite bookmark. A memorable card game. To anyone else, they’d be junk. To me, they are precious memories that remind me that life wasn’t always difficult. Yet in some ways it was.
Having a bff in early childhood is everything and more. Saying goodbye before you’ve even formed an identity of your own is devastating.
Dreaming big is encouraged…even pushed on an overachiever. Falling short is earth-shattering.
High school friendships and extracurricular involvement form a teen’s understanding and perception of the world. Yet they can so easily destroy one’s self-esteem, confidence, and trust in others.
Journals remind me of the joyful experiences that life has brought. But they can make my body tremble with phantom pain and suffering from hurts endured long ago.
I feel like a ping pong ball bouncing off the walls of my past. Chucking most of it in a trash bag but holding tight to bits and pieces. Even the painful parts.
Most of the memorabilia I tossed into my studio, which is now a wreck and in desperate need of organization itself. Why did I add to the clutter? Why hold onto these memories and use them to decorate my studio? Because the things I kept make me FEEL. Deeply. And that, my friends, is what I call inspiration. You can’t have art without emotion. These things speak to my soul and allow me to access portions of my memory and experiences that would otherwise be deemed off limits by my brain. These things provide me direct access to my heart. They allow me to bypass logic and limits and enter into a realm that took me years to even know existed. It is integral to my survival.
Several of my bingo friends from the senior center were admitted to the hospital this past week. A reminder of our mortality. A reminder that every single person I know. Every single person I love. Will die. Some will pass quickly and others will suffer. It is a sobering realization indeed. One that, like, we know. But we don’t really let ourselves KNOW. Because it’s painful and sad.
There were other moments like these. Moments that strike us across the face with the brutality of our humanity. With memories that sting and bring tears to our eyes. Memories that were forgotten or buried or sometimes never even realized until moments like these. And suddenly the world is different than it was 45 seconds ago. And it will never be the same.
Moments that call to our attention that we are never alone. That we never operate in isolation. That we each impact one another in big and small ways. And it’s up to us whether our impact will be one that brings pain or one that brings solidarity. Not even hope, not even joy…just…the kind of presence that lets another know that you exist in their space…in their world…for better and for worse. That something like that can make all the difference. Because it can.
Moments like these make me see the joy and pain that I have brought to others and the power of their unconditional love in my life, which in turn enriches theirs. The interdependence of it all is quite startling and rattles me deep. One missing link is devastating to the chain that connects us all. I think that’s easy to forget in the busyness, chaos, and suffering of life. But it is so so true. And not something to be played with and taken lightly.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. This year has brought me a deep appreciation for the people in my life and the small moments that are cause for celebration. And a week like this does nothing to change that state of mind. If anything, it just broadness the scope of my gratitude.
For years I have struggled with my memory. I have felt that I lost so much of my past experiences due to a combination of trauma and ECT. But I find myself remembering more and more these days. It is both exciting and scary. Joyful and tragic. But mostly it is encouraging. I feel like it means that I am healing and my brain has decided it is safe to slowly break down walls and reveal “me” to myself. If that makes any sense at all. I don’t know. Maybe you have to have lost yourself to understand just how overwhelming it is to find yourself so many years later.
Time is flying and I wish it would slow down. Because all I want is to appreciate every moment and right now I feel so rushed. There isn’t enough time in a day to experience each moment to its fullest. And it sometimes causes me to burst in a way that does not accurately reflect my actual feelings. It can look like anger or irritation at times, when really all it is is a desperate attempt to pause and spin around in a circle, then stand in awe of life in all of its glory. Sometimes I have to take a nap because it’s all so overwhelming.
When you go from numbing life in every way possible to welcoming in every experience life has to offer, your system can go a bit haywire. Things just don’t compute. And it takes a bit of time to work out the kinks.
Here is what I have found. I walk through life with open hands. Sometimes my knee-jerk reaction does not align with my point of view, my values, or the situation. In cases like those, I take a moment for self-reflection and I do not hesitate to ADMIT MY ERROR and APOLOGIZE. I have found much satisfaction in operating this way. It enriches my relationships, it helps me to see other points of view, it makes me more accepting, it reduces anger and resentment, and it simply makes life better. Sure, it isn’t always an easy pill to swallow, but it is always worth it.
People are what matter. At the end of the day, people is what we are left with. Relationships shape our identity and become our “why”. I will do anything to preserve and improve the important relationships in my life. If my experiences have taught me anything at all, it is this simple truth. People are what matter.
“Things that were hard to bear are sweet to remember.”