My New Wheels
So...I got a new car! I haven't broadcasted it on Facebook or Instagram for a couple of reasons. Mostly because I was worried what people would think. I was embarrassed. But I shouldn't be! I should be excited!
I shouldn't have to put out these disclaimers, but I'm going to do it anyway.
I've wanted a bug for as long as I can remember.
I've been saving my money.
I finally found the car of my dreams.
I haggled the hell out them.
I weighed my options. A lot.
I bought it.
End of story.
I'm worried that people will think I'm irresponsible or frivolous. I didn't need a new car, so why did I get one? See above. Plus, as my boss says, if you have to drive you might as well have fun doing it.
It's pretty sweet. It has heated seats, integrates with my iPhone, displays maps and playlists, reads my texts to me, and has a backup camera. Plus it's my favorite color...orange. I love it.
So why do I feel embarrassed? Why do I feel like I have to hide my new car?
Well that's an easy answer. Because I'm afraid of people judging me.
That's a common fear of mine. I worry what every single person is going to think about every single thing that I do or say. I'm always worried about what other people are thinking. I'm a people pleaser. And it's exhausting.
Why? Why do I care so much? Why do I care what you're thinking? Why do I care if you're judging me? Why?
Hmm. Well, I think it has a lot to do with insecurity. I'm a very insecure person, which means that I look to other people for approval. If I think that you're judging me, that means you don't approve of me, which means I'm a bad person.
I'm only worthy if you think I'm worthy.
Blick. I don't like how that sounds. But when you boil it down, I think that is what it's all about. Insecurity. I feel like I have to prove my worth. When I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job proving it...well, let's just say my mind is not a pretty place to be. I reeeeeeally beat myself up. I feel like I'm about an inch tall.
Insecurity creates this constant need for approval, which can make me very codependent. Relying on others to validate worth can really be hazardous to your health. I mean, I'm all about needing people in your life, but when you need them to justify your existence, that is not a good thing. You shouldn't need other people in that way. Plus it puts a lot of pressure on them. That's a lot of responsibility to put on a person. That's not really all that fair.
Insecurity is basically mind reading, which is never helpful. If I think that you think that I'm irresponsible, then I feel worthless. I mean, how crazy is that? "If I think that you think." How am I supposed to know what you're thinking? I don't even know what I'm thinking. I'm putting thoughts in your head without you even knowing it. Again, how fair is that to you? Not fair at all.
Insecurity means always looking for the worst. Rarely do I think you're thinking good things about me. I always jump to the worst of conclusions. I'm never looking for the good in myself. I only see the bad. Which means that...
Insecurity is a breeding ground for failure. If you're only ever looking for the bad, that's what you'll find. All the ways I screwed up. All the ways I fell short. All the ways I failed. And who likes a failure? No one. Which means no one must like me. What a bummer.
A bummer. That what this is. I mean, insecurity really sucks. Literally. It sucks the joy out of life. I mean I can't even enjoy my car because I'm so insecure about myself.
I need to stop caring so much about what other people think about me. I need to start finding worth in myself instead of looking for approval from others. I need to stop feeling like I need to justify my existence to the world.
My decisions are mine and I make them for a reason. I am not an irresponsible person. I take money seriously. I am not frivolous. I am not impulsive. I am rational.
These are things I have to believe about myself. Things I don't need other people to tell me. Things I just know to be the truth. Because they are.
So here we go. Unashamed. Not fearful of judgement.
World, meet Nemo. Nemo, meet world.
