Self-Compassion

Well I've been voiceless for over 2 weeks now and it's a real inconvenience. What started out as the flu has morphed into some other rather annoying illness. I have this cough that sometimes makes me throw up and I can't talk above a whisper. Like I said, it's a real inconvenience.

In other news, my professor still hasn't graded my exam. I was supposed to take it 3 weeks ago but I was sick, so I took it 2 weeks ago. And last week I got to class and asked for my exam and she said, "Oops! I forgot about that!" So I have to wait even longer to get my score. And our next test is THIS WEEK!!! Uggh.

The last 5 days at work have been crazy. Playing catch-up always is. I didn't realize how far behind I'd be after taking a week off. It wasn't until 2:30 on Friday that I felt like I was finally back on top of everything. But I've sworn I'll never be sick again.

All of this to say...being sick has tested me. I don't do sick very well. I'm not good at resting. I don't like taking a break. But being sick is exhausting. You have to take care of yourself. Or you won't get better.

So being sick is teaching me patience. Patience with myself. I'm learning that it's ok that I can't do it all. No one can. That resting isn't a weakness. That it's ok to take a day off of work. It's ok to postpone an exam. The world won't come to an end just because I needed to ask for help. That special circumstances exist for a reason and it's ok to be one.

I tend to be pretty hard on myself. I expect more from myself than I do from others. Why is that? Do I think I'm better than other people? That I'm capable of more than the average joe?

No, I don't think that's it.

I think I'm just wired that way. I want to do my best, but I don't think I've ever defined what my best is. It's an elusive definition. So I never know if I've achieved it. So I always think I can do better. So I always think I've fallen short. So I always feel like a failure.

A failure. Gosh. I mean...isn't that a terrible way to live? Feeling like a failure? Just because you're worried you didn't do your best? No. No, I don't think it is.

So what's the solution? Does it mean defining my best? Hmm. I don't think so. Defining my best still means that I could fail. And I don't want to feel like a failure anymore. It's no way to live.

So...(this is me pondering)...I think the solution is...(still thinking)...living in the present. Just accepting the moment for what it is without judgement. Not dwelling on the past or predicting the future. Just being. Yeah, I think that's it. Accepting the moment without judgement. It's the basis of meditation, actually.

I'm really good at judging. It's embarrassing to admit, but it's the truth. I can be judgmental of others in the form of comparison, which is horrible. I hate that about my character. It's something I'm working on. But I'm particularly judgmental of myself. I'm always judging myself.

It's exhausting and it's not very beneficial. It doesn't make me any better. It just puts me in a bad mood.

So I need to get rid of that judgment stuff. It's gotta go. No more judging.

What does that look like?

Well for me, it looks like self-compassion. You see, it used to be a lot worse for me. I used to be a whole lot more judgmental. I used to really dwell on the past. I used to agonize over the future. It used to be completely unmanageable.

But last time I was in treatment, my psychiatrist had me read a book on self-compassion. And it was really a game changer for me. I didn't realize how critical I was of myself until I started reading this book. I really didn't cut myself any slack. In anything. Ever.

One big example I can think of is saying the wrong thing in a situation. I would say something and then feel stupid and ruminate on it for DAYS.  I mean it was this all-consuming feeling of inadequacy and stupidity. I would feel like I was an inch tall.

Reading this book helped me let go of that kind of stuff. If I say something I wish I hadn't said, I just shrug my shoulders and say oh well. The person I said it to probably forgot about it 5 minutes after the conversation, so why can't I do the same? Why can't I show myself some compassion? It really lightened my load.

Self-compassion. It's the opposite of judgement. And it's just what the doctor ordered. If I can use self-compassion to help me out in simple conversations, why can't I use it on my perfectionism?

Hmm.

Well there you go.

Could it really be that simple?

I think it's something I just have to practice. Until it becomes a habit. Saying, "That's ok, Brittany. It's good enough." It doesn't have to be my best, it just has to be good enough. And if I'm being honest, it usually is. Good enough, that is. It usually is good enough. And there's no reason I can't be compassionate with myself and accept it for what it is.

Well we've covered a lot of ground here. From the flu to laryngitis to patience to judgement to meditation to self-compassion. Whew, I'm exhausted just saying it. But I think it's all important.

Being sick has taught me that I need to practice more self-compassion. It's reminded me that I have seen the positive effects that self-compassion has brought to my life. And that there's no reason I can't apply the same principles to broader aspects of my world. That I can be free from judgement and self-critiscim. That I don't have to feel like a perpetual failure for not doing my best. That good enough can be good enough. And that I can be happy.