Not My Story To Tell
Happy New Year, friends!!!
I have a few exciting things going on to ring in 2020 this January. First of all is school. I've been in the process of transferring to Western Governors University to finish out my degree in accounting. It was a big decision. A hard one. But I think it's the right move for me and I'm excited to hopefully wrap things up in 2ish years. Orientation opens tomorrow and I officially start 2/1. So yay!! Second of all is strength training. Yesterday was my first evening in a women's strength class. It was hard and I am oh-so-sore today, but I think it will be good for me. Don't panic, it's not some maniac weight loss ploy. It's just getting stronger, which is going to be good for my overall health. So we'll see how that goes. And the third exciting thing that January 2020 has brought me is the opportunity to share my story with a group of women at my church!
The women's ministry director asked me if I would be willing to share my story at a Chapelgate WM event on January 25th. I took a day or so to think about it, then agreed that it's a good fit and said yes. Then I got worried like, "Oh my gosh, I've only ever shared my testimony as an advertisement for Mercy and I actually have no idea what I'm doing in real life." Mercy gives you 5-8 minutes. At Connect I'll have up to 20. How in the world am I supposed to turn my 5 minute Mercy testimony into a 20 minute story about what God has done in Brittany's life? Yikes.
Then I remember that I HAVE done this before. I shared my testimony on a Thursday night at CR when I was on leadership at LifePoint. Score. So then I started digging around my hard drive and dropbox looking for that document. Turns out I did that in 2013. Wow. That's 7 years ago. And a lot has happened in 7 years.
So I started reading through my 2013 testimony and it brings tears to my eyes. For multiple reasons. Both good and bad.
It's crazy how easily I forget. I get so caught up in the day-to-day life that I forget where I've come from. I forget the pain, the struggle, the trauma, the tragedy. Which is good. I mean, I shouldn't dwell on that. But if I forget about that, that means I also forget about the miracles. The transformation. The healing. The freedom. And that's something that I don't EVER want to forget.
So it's good to look back and remember where I've come from. And when I say that, I mean like...now compared to 10 years ago.
But it's also important to look at where I am. And when I say THAT I mean like...now compared to 7 years ago. 2013. When I wrote the testimony I'm currently editing. Because boy am I editing it.
Right now, in this moment, I'm mostly sad. I'm looking back at this 26 year old Brittany and I want more than anything to be her again. She was filled with so much passion. God was so real. She had genuine meaningful friendships. She was plugged in. Her life had a purpose. And all of those things seem so...not me right now.
I'm mostly blah. I have a hard time connecting with God. I don't have many friends. I'm trying to get plugged in but I just feel like it takes so much effort. I'm not entirely sure where I'm headed...I feel like my work has purpose, but as a human I'm not so sure.
So I'm having to edit my 2013 testimony to account for reality and what I'm seeing as several steps backward. Which is rough. Which then makes me question why I'm even doing it. Like given that last paragraph, what do I have to offer by sharing my story? Should someone like me really be given access to a platform like that?
Yikes.
And I know the answer. It's always the answer. The answer is yes. Yes, I should.
Because if I told Judie no, what would that mean? That would mean I fail to recognize the miracles, the transformation, the healing, the freedom. All those things I never want to forget. If I say no to Judie, I would be denying their existence. Because even though I'm not 2013 Brittany, I'm definitely NOT still 2010 Brittany. I'm somewhere in the middle.
And if we're really being honest...that's where most people are. Somewhere in the middle. And I think that makes me relatable. My 2013 testimony is awesome. But I don't identify with that girl today. And if I take a step back, I'm not sure that many people would. And how would that help?
I believe sharing your testimony serves several purposes. First of all, it's personal. It's like a memorial. It reminds you of where you've come from, what God has done, and who you are as a person. And that's important. Second of all, it's public. It shows other people what God is capable of doing in a person's life. Third of all, it lets people know that they are not alone. All 3 reasons are extremely important, but I am a strong believer in reason number 3.
Number 3 is what gives me the confidence to speak truth, even when it's embarrassing or shameful or difficult. Because people need to know they are not alone. I believe that this kind of vulnerability literally saves lives. So I do it. Even though it's uncomfortable and itchy.
So my 2013 testimony is on the pottery wheel slowly being shaped into something more representative of my life today. Something I'm hoping at least one person will relate to. I've read it out loud a few times. There are moments when my voice shakes. My eyes get damp. My fingers tremble. Sometimes it happens because I'm recalling a tough memory and sometimes it happens because I'm reading a scripture that just speaks so much truth that I can hardly believe the words are real. I think both are important.
Overall, I think I'm feeling pretty good about where I am. And it leads me to a fourth reason to share my testimony. Because the preparation for it has spurred me into action. Or at least contemplation. It's brought to my attention the fact that there are some things I'd like to change about my spiritual life. Life in general, even. I'm not sure what that looks like, but I know what it DOESN'T look like. And that's a start.
I like to think my story is inspiring. The theme is redemption. And I hope it's relatable enough that people think "hey, maybe I can get access to a miracle, too." Because if I'm really being honest with myself, that is what my life is. A miracle. My God is a god of miracles. And if one can be worked in my life, it can certainly be worked in yours.
A lot of people think they know my story. But most of you don't. You know pieces. The ones I choose to share in an effort to drive home a point or paint a picture or explain a decision. On the 25th I'll share the whole story and you'll see that the story really isn't mine. It's God's. The story of how he redeems the broken and heals the wounded. How he makes something beautiful out of ashes. And if you live around here, I hope you'll be a part of it and learn that you are never alone.
(this is a girls only event, so sorry dudes...maybe next time)