Bananas

I am a wreck, folks.  An absolute wreck.  My anxiety is just out of control.  My stomach is constantly nauseous.  I can't stop trembling.  I'm having *more* trouble sleeping.  I'm just a mess.

I wasn't going to write until Tuesday.  Because I don't want to catasrophize over something that turns out to be nothing.  But just ignoring it isn't really helping me out any.  If anything it's just making it worse.  So I'm going to start writing and see where it takes me.

I went to church today.  And Sunday school.  I made myself go to Sunday school even though I was a good 20 minutes late.  The perfect excuse not to go if you ask me.  I was running a few minutes late to begin with, and then there was frost on the car, and then I hit literally every red light, and then I had to hobble up the stairs.  But I went because I knew it was good for me.  And Sunday school was hard.  And church was hard.  Both because I currently have no voice.  I couldn't volunteer to do any of the readings in Sunday school, and I couldn't belt out the lyrics to the worship songs in church.

I honestly didn't know what to do with myself during worship.  I sang the songs, but nothing came out.  My natural inclination is to cross my arms across my chest, but I did a whole blog post on that a few years ago.  How that isn't the posture I want to approach the Lord with.  So I just hold my hands out in front of me and mouth the words to some pretty fantastic worship music.  It was beautiful in its own way.  The words weighed more heavily on me without the worry of whether or not I was singing in key.  I almost felt more free.

So there.  Silver lining.

A lot has happened since my last post.  I shared my testimony with the ladies at church.  That was huge.  I survived another January in the accounting department.  Also huge.  I started classes at WGU.  Huge again.  And...I somehow injured my hip.  Yet another game changer.

I don't know which hip to call my good hip and which to call my bad one anymore honestly.  The one I've had 7 surgeries on is the left hip.  Most recently they discovered a labral tear in my right hip.  But this, guys. This is my left hip and it puts the right hip to shame.  I mean I can barely walk sometimes.

I was desperate enough to drive to Arlington in rush hour a few weeks ago and my orthopedist did a thorough exam.  He did a labral reconstruction in 2015 and he's concerned that I might have ruptured the graft.  So he sent me for a 3T MRI, which I had done on Thursday.  Then I see him again on Tuesday.  Gosh has this been the longest 2 weeks of my life.

I am so so SO anxious for Tuesday.  I honestly have no idea what he's going to say and it's driving me bananas.  Like I said earlier, part of me is worried it's something stupid like a pulled muscle and I'm just being a wimp.  Which would be a good thing, just embarassing.  But then there's another part of me that is just like deep gut, no Brittany you really screwed it up this time kinda instinct.  And so there's that.  It's like this battle inside my brain.  No, more like inside my stomach.  My stomach is definitely the battlefield right now if I'm being totally honest.

And if I DID rupture the graft, he told me I'm worth fixing.  Which sounds obvious.  I mean people are all like, "Of course you're worth fixing!!"  But back in 2016 I wasn't.  I was told that I wasn't worth fixing.  And that sticks with you, man.  It does something in your brain.  But he said that since the graft held for 5 years, he was willing to try again.  That it was worth it.  So that was really encouraging to hear.

But that means surgery.  Again.  And part of me is on board and would do it tomorrow if I could.  And part of me is terrified.  Because here's the thing.  The recovery is long and annoying.  And there's every possibility that I'll just do it again in another few years.  Because apparently I probably have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is a connective tissue disorder.  I have the hyper-mobility type.  It explains why I repeatedly injure connective tissue and require interventions like physical therapy and surgery.

So the doctor that told me I wasn't worth fixing was a little bit right and a little bit wrong.  He said I'd just need to keep going back to Dr. Ochiai for surgery until it got to the point that I needed a hip replacement.  At which point I would come to him to have that done.  He gave me 5-10 years.  Well it's been 4 and this is my first time back to Dr. Ochiai for this problem.  So, although it's easy to get discouraged, I have to see it as a bit of a win.

Part of me is like, "See, he was right.  This is my story.  Is it even worth it?"  But that just leads to tears and a pity party.  Neither of which are beneficial.

And the other part of me is like, "Let's get this taken care of, yo!  Can you operate tomorrow?"  Because I am just that over the pain and agony that I am currently in.  And I AM worth fixing damnit.

And then there's that last part of me that's like, "Brittany, don't even publish this.  You are fine and making something out of nothing and you just need to get your head in gear and suck it up, buttercup."

And it's a toss up which part I decide to listen to at any given moment.

So this is what I've decided.  I've gotta stick to the facts.  The fact is that I am in pain.  And it may be a graft rupture or it may be a muscle strain.  Or something else.  I don't know.  And I won't know until Tuesday.  And there's nothing I can do to change the diagnosis.  And there's nothing I can do to make Tuesday come faster.  So I've just gotta do my best between now and then.  I've just gotta take care of myself the best way that I can.  I've just gotta breathe and eat and sleep and go to work and study.  And we'll deal with Tuesday on Tuesday.

And maybe it's a big deal and maybe it's a little deal.  Maybe it's surgery and maybe it's rest.  Maybe it's justified and maybe I'm a wimp.  But I don't know the answer to that today.  And I need to make peace with that.

So here's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to find an image to supplement this post, then I'm going to hit publish.  Then I'll probably share it to Facebook.  Then I'll go downstairs and watch TV until it's late enough to justify going to bed.  Then I'll get up and go to work and the gym.  Then it will be Monday night and I'll toss and turn until waking up at the crack of dawn to drive to a 9am appointment in Arlington Tuesday morning.  And then I'll get my answers.  And then we'll make a plan.  And then we will move forward.

Sound good?  Good.

P.S. I have federal jury duty starting 2/24 all the way through the end of March.  I was supposed to have it in January, but I deferred because January is a nightmare at work and I couldn't even think about missing time.  If I did rupture the graft and need surgery, I'm not really sure I'm up to waiting until April.  Does anyone have experience with federal jury duty?  I just don't even know where to start if I end up having surgery scheduled in March.  Tips?