One in One Thousand

I've seen my psychiatrist 3 times in the last 7 days.  And I don't mean a friendly wave in the waiting room.  I mean 3 grueling 30 minute sessions of face to face problem solving.  He's not even my real psychiatrist.  Well he was until he stopped seeing patients.  Turns out he's filling in for my current doctor while she's on vacation.  So like a blast from the past he tried to help level me out.

Good luck.

I'd say it was a little over a month ago when I took notice of things.  But no one likes to admit to feeling "too good."  Not when depression is frequently your norm.  But I was feeling like I could rule the world.

It's a general feeling of restlessness.  Like something needs to change.  And it needed to change yesterday.  It starts with looking at new jobs in new cities.  It moves on to seeing an old school bus for sale and wanting to purchase it and paint it hot pink.  It morphs into a need to buy something every day of the week.  I wind up chopping off all my hair.  Always with an underlying hyper productivity at work.

Limitless.

No consequences to been seen.

High on life and all that it has to offer.

Too good.

And before too long, you begin to call it for what it is.  Mania.

It's a chemical imbalance and one that's just as serious and detrimental as depression.  Only it looks good.  People don't think anything is wrong with you, because you're happy.  You're productive.  You're enthusiastic.  You're fun to be around.  How could anything be wrong?

But it is.  It's not normal.  And it's certainly not sustainable.  At some point in time, you're going to crash.  And the thought is terrifying.  Knowing it won't last and how you've never come down from a high without crashing and burning.  Hard.  And it can be a real shit show.

So I was able to identify what was happening, which is saying something.  I don't usually identify with my bipolar diagnosis.  I don't really remember ever being super manic.  I mostly experience the depression side of the house.  So feeling manic is like an out of body experience.  It makes my diagnosis real.  It means they were right.  It means I was wrong.  And man do I hate being wrong.

But hey.  My name is Brittany.  I have bipolar disorder.  And I am currently experiencing an episode of mania.

So my doctors increased one of my mood stabilizers.  Twice.  Then the other one once.  Even though I was already on the maximum dose.  Then they started decreasing my antidepressant.  Terrifying.  That stuff saved my life a year ago.  Now you want to take me off of it?  Apparently that's my only choice, though.

So now I exist in a "mixed state."  Sometimes I'm super up, sometimes I'm paralyzed with anxiety, sometimes I crying in a ball, and sometimes I dissociate.  Yeah, I'd call that mixed.  He also says I'm "cycling up."  Which isn't good.  He's trying to get me to cycle down.  If that's a thing.  Basically bring me down without the crash.  Something he's even said he's not confident we can accomplish.  Joy.

Somewhere along the line, I made a correlation.  One I'm quite proud to take credit for.  If you're a boy, you might be tempted to skip over the next part, but I would encourage you to suck it up and read on.  You never know when a girl in your life might need a little bit of this knowledge.

I saw my GYN in mid-May and my pap smear came back showing abnormal cells, so I had a colposcopy, which confirmed the finding.  My GYN also talked about using an IUD (Mirena) to help regulate my cycle.  I was scheduled for surgery to remove the abnormal cells and insert the Mirena.  That was about 2 months ago I think.

So I've been trying to figure out what changed.  I've been stable on my meds for a long time now.  Everything's been working well.  I'd even call myself normal.  Now I just feel crazy.  So what happened?

I started tracing things back.  I think I've been heading down this road for a while now, but it definitely started getting worse since my GYN inserted the Mirena.  So I sent him an email and asked if there could be a correlation.  He got right back to me and said yes.  There is a 1/1,000 chance that the hormones emitted by the Mirena could effect women with mood disorders.  He's had to remove 3 in 15 years for mood changes.  I'll make 4.  One in one thousand.  Of course that would be me.

I couldn't get in to see him for a few weeks, but he said that wouldn't do.  I need it out asap.  So I have an appointment with his PA on Wednesday to have my IUD removed.  I guess a crazy cycle is better than a crazy Brittany.  You win some you loose some.

No one is guaranteeing that removing the Mirena will solve all my problems, but it certainly can't hurt.  There will probably still be some medicine tweaking.  Some more experimenting.  Some more rollercoasters.  But maybe this will bring me down softly.  Maybe...just maybe...we can avoid the crash.  Is that too much to hope for?

What is this experience teaching me?  It's teaching me how important it is to know myself and listen to my body.  It's important to know my normal and be able to identify when I deviate from it.  To admit to feeling both too bad AND too good.  To ask for help.  No, to demand it.  To speak up when I notice something.  To play an active role in my treatment.  In my life.

So I've seen my doctor 3 times this week and I'll see him again next week.  I have a really great doctor.  That helps.  A lot.  He listens to me and wants to help me just as much as I want to be helped.  Sometimes more so.  I'm lucky.

So I'll see my doctor regularly.

I'll increase my mood stabilizer.

I'll decrease my antidepressant.

I'll have my Mirena removed.

I'll start eating normally again.

I'll do my part and that's the best I can do.

Who knows where I'll end up, but they can't say I didn't try.