Strong Ass Women

Last week was National Eating Disorders Awareness Week and I kept waiting for something earth shattering to strike me for a post.  It never did.  So I shared some older posts that spoke to the significance of the week.  But THIS week.  THIS week is a different story.  And I think it highlights the fact that eating disorders are a problem the other 51 weeks of the year, too.  And they still deserve coverage.  They still deserve to be talked about.  They still deserve to be fought and defeated.

I've worked the last oh-I-don't-know-how-many-years learning to talk to myself positively.  Treatment shoves it down your throat.  Trash the negative self-talk.  Replace it with truth statements.  Secular and faith-based programs preach it.  It's gotta be true.

A few posts ago I mentioned that I started going to a women's strength training class in January.  It has been seriously amazing.  They've worked with me to figure out how to lift without worsening my hip.  They've  helped me tell my eating disorder to shove it.  They've built me up.  And I am getting so.much.stronger.  It really is one of the best things that I've done to take care of myself.

Every session starts with a little pep talk.  Sometimes it goes nutrition-heavy and I just tune it out, but I almost always walk away with a useful nugget.  Last week Melissa spoke about positive self talk.  And it was a nice little reminder.

The lifts are getting heavier.  On Monday night I loaded my bar for the press and I looked at it and I started to say, "There's no way I can do this."  But I stopped myself mid-sentence and said in my head, "No, we don't talk like that anymore."  And I just said, "Ok, I can do this."  And I did.  3 sets of 5.  Like a freakin rock star.  And the same for my deadlift.  Bam.

The next day I just had a pep in my step.  I'm more confident.  I'm happier.  I'm stronger.  Mentally, emotionally, and physically stronger.  I was just having a really great day.  And then I went to Towson for therapy and I stepped on that damn scale.  UGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.

The negative thoughts come swarming in.  I was just getting ready to write the list of negative thoughts that attacked me, but I'm not going to do that.  That would give them power.  And I don't do that anymore.

Anyway, I was sobbing.  And not because I had gained a fair amount of weight in 2 weeks.  I mean, there was a little bit of that.  But I was mostly crying because I was pissed off that I let some ridiculous little box on the floor ruin a PERFECTLY GOOD DAY.  I let it CHANGE MY MOOD COMPLETELY.  I let it make me think I was WEAK INSTEAD OF STRONG.  And I was ANGRY.  Because feeling those things SUCKS.  I don't want to believe those lies anymore.  I want good days.  Strong days.  Happy days.  No more of this crap.

My first thoughts were, "Well I'm not going to eat that granola bar on the way home."  And, "I was going to get Starbucks on my way to work tomorrow, but that's not happening."  And, "I'm never posting another picture of myself again."

But we don't say those things anymore.

So I ate the freaking granola bar yesterday afternoon, grabbed myself a macchiato this morning, and posted a picture of me with my birthday girl a few hours ago.  Just to say screw it to the eating disorder.  It doesn't have that kind of power over me anymore.  Because I am a strong ass woman, damnit.  And ain't nobody got time for that negative nonsense.