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everyday life and other stuff.
I've started this post without a title. That means I don't really know where I'm going with this. Which can be good or bad. We shall see.
I promised to write a follow-up to 4th of July weekend, but things were just crazy and I was too busy enjoying my time with my family. Then who knows what happened last weekend. But I find myself here today, so wahoo for you.
I was sick this week. Don't worry, I don't have COVID. It was just a stomach bug. Ok, now here I am about to drop a bomb on ya'll. I've really been keeping this to myself for the most part. Why? Mostly to keep people from worrying about me. One person in particular. But if I can't be honest here, where can I be?
I've been in treatment for my eating disorder for 2 months now. I'm doing Virtual IOP through ERC. It's from 5-8pm in my room Monday - Thursday. And to tell you the truth, I've been impressed. It's been a way better program than I'm used to. For anyone who has tried CED's IOP program and hated it, I would strongly encourage you to consider ERC if you're in need of treatment. Yeah, the providers are the same, but the programming, meal plan, and style of treatment is totally different. At least in my opinion.
The only thing this program lacks is Art Therapy, so I just do that on my own :)
And the fact that I've been able to do it virtually? Game changer. That's what has allowed me to keep it such a secret. No one had to know. I didn't have to leave work early or put a bunch of miles on my car or never be available to my family or friends. I get to work as long as I need to (for the most part) and see my family and be done at 8 without having to make an hour long drive home. So that's the bright side. Which I'm trying to look at.
See my discharge date had already been pushed back once. I was still struggling to follow the meal plan and not finishing IOP dinners and stuff. But I had gotten myself together and was supposed to discharge this past Thursday. And then bam. I got a stomach bug.
Stomach bugs suck for everyone. I get that. But for someone who struggles with an eating disorder? We're talking major setback. Historically for me, at least. My mind convinces my body that it's used to surviving on next to nothing food wise. Which makes it very difficult to go back to following a meal plan once the illness has run its course. Traditionally, it's something that sends me INTO treatment. But I'm already IN treatment this time. So what does it look like?
I have been quite surprised. My treatment team actually believed me. They didn't accuse me of purposely acting on symptoms. They told me to take a few nights off of IOP. They didn't argue with my PCP's recommendation of a 24 hour clear liquid diet. They treated me like a person who was sick and needed to rest. And boy did I appreciate that.
So I didn't discharge on Thursday. Obviously. My psychiatrist told me they'd at least add on those 3 days I missed. The rest depends on how quickly I bounce back. Luckily I have just enough of a cheering squad encouraging me to get back on the wagon. Quickly. And I think I'm doing alright. Better than alright, even. I think I'm doing well. I think my treatment team is going to be surprised and proud of me. And that's a nice feeling.
Anyway, there you have it. I'm hoping to discharge this week and have some of my summer left to enjoy. Even though Virtual IOP is great, it still doesn't leave me with a whole lot of free time to enjoy the pool or read a magazine or blog or go for walks with the dog. So I'm ready to get my days back for sure.
But that's not all. I mean, come on. It's never just one thing, right? In the middle of all of this (treatment, stomach bug, etc.), I still have SCHOOL. Uggggh. School. I was ready to call it quits. Seriously. I was taking Intermediate Accounting I and I was completely and totally in over my head. Crying every day. Stressed to the max. I just could not retain and apply any of what I was "learning."
So I was ready to switch to a general Business Administration degree because I thought I just couldn't cut the whole accounting thing. Even though that's what I do on a daily basis. But my mentor told me to take a week off while she did some research. The program I'm in now has Intermediate Accounting broken into 2 classes, each with 1 exam. Apparently WGU is launching a NEW Accounting program that has Intermediate Accounting broken into 3 classes, each with 2 exams. There are some other differences. It will actually be more classes to get my degree than the program I am in now. Which pushes my graduation date back a bit. But it sounds like a dream come true.
My semester ends at midnight July 31st and I still have 1 more class to take to be considered a full time student (WGU is a full time only university). With 3 weeks left in my semester at the time of this decision. How on earth was I supposed to finish a 3 credit class in 3 weeks? So I withdrew from that ass-kicker-of-an Intermediate Accounting course and replaced it with a Spreadsheets course. My mentor first suggested something like business organization and analytics and I was like "...um...no. Didn't I see some Excel class or something?"
I was an instructional technician for Microsoft Office at Carroll Community College back in the day, and I use Excel constantly, so I have a pretty good grasp on the whole spreadsheet thing. I figured I could pull off the Spreadsheet class pretty well with 3 weeks to go. (Turns out it's overkill. The Spreadsheets class in my new program is much more basic and is only 1 credit. But this one will transfer and I could wrap my mind around it, so I'm ok with that.)
We're a little more than a week in and I have completed 8 of the 10 lessons in the course. Mostly by myself. Dad has helped me out from time to time. There have been a few tears. I't's actually a lot of new material that I have never worked with before. I've found I work better first thing in the morning. Waiting until 4pm to start on a lesson is usually a bad idea, so I try to get a lot done during the weekend since work and IOP take up most of my days during the week. I plan on finishing lessons 9 and 10 this week, taking the practice assessment Friday afternoon or Saturday morning, studying Saturday and Sunday and taking my exam on Monday the 27th. That gives me a few days cushion in case I fail and have to re-take the exam.
Whew. It's a lot. But if I'm able to pull this off, I will have been working full time, in treatment, and a full time student during a single semester. Something impossible. Boy will that feel good.
We aren't big "celebraters" in my family. We don't through big parties or social events. But - should I ever finish my undergraduate degree - I will be throwing myself one hell of a bonanza. And everyone who has ever supported me will be invited. And we will celebrate all day and into the night. There will be music and dancing and food and crying and laughing and just a really freaking good time. Because boy will it have been a journey.
I know I haven't imparted any great wisdom or anything today. It's basically just an update on my life. But I feel like I have to do that every now and then since I'm not on "the Facebook."
I guess if there's anything I hope you've taken from this it's that treatment is not shameful. Illness doesn't have to mean relapse. And there's really no such thing as impossible. So there. I guess this whole thing did have a point.
Week one and other stuff.
Well I've almost made it through one week without social media. I had my doubts, but it's possible, folks. I'll admit it's pretty weird. I'll pick up my phone, check my email, then go to click on Instagram or Facebook and I'm just like, "Welp, I guess I'll just go back to doing what I was doing." Which is basically what I wanted. I also deleted all the games from my phone, so I've got nothin to do on that thing.
I've also found how often I take a picture then look at it wondering if it's post worthy on my stories. "No, Brittany. Don't waste time with that. Stories don't exist anymore."
Just a pretty flower in our yard
Things I miss? Hmm. Honestly, there aren't many. I have a feeling I'm missing some birthdays. Should have written some of them down for my closer friends. So if I don't wish you happy birthday, please don't be offended. I also went looking for picture albums on my phone, only to realize that they were Facebook albums. But they're all on the photos app on my computer and that's all I really need. And then one time I had my mom reach out to one of our mutual friends because I wanted to see if she had any Carly dresses and I didn't have her info. That was the only time I was really like, "ugh, if only I had Facebook." But that's what moms are for, right? And side note, I should get her number to stay in touch, anyway.
So I'm interested in seeing my screen time report on my phone this week. I was worried that I'd find something else to waste away my life with on my phone. I spent some time on Etsy looking for a camera strap. But once I found what I was looking for, I shut that one down. And then I discovered Poshmark. Um. Yes. I'll wait to fully back Poshmark until I actually receive my clothes. But I am in desperate need of new wardrobe items. Shorts and dresses in particular. So I found some that I like on Athleta (their clothes fit me really well usually), but they are ridiculously expensive, so I was like, "Hmmm, maybe I'll check out this Poshmark thing." So I dove into that hole a bit. I can see how a person could get sucked into it, though. For sure. But I bought a few items at more reasonable prices and it will be like Christmas next week when all my packages get here :)
So let's get real with this whole clothing thing, guys. The struggle is real. I have gained a good amount of weight over the last year and NOTHING FITS. It's really taking a toll on me. Especially this week. Lots of tears. It doesn't matter what I do or do not eat. This is just it. It's something that is SO SO uncomfortable. But I think I SO SO have to just suck up and accept it. At least for now. A lot of it could be my meds and I'm not about to be noncompliant with those so it just is what it is. Some days I handle it better than others. The days of going into the office instead of working from home are quickly approaching. That means no oversized gym shorts and t-shirts. I need something that fits. This is my size. Get what makes me feel pretty and comfortable. Go ahead and spend the money. Invest in something that brings mw joy in the middle of despair. Cuz that's honestly what it feels like some days. Complete and utter despair. But there's enough going on in the world that I don't need to be worried about the number on the scale or the size of my clothes. I'm just going to accept myself and move forward and see what comes my way. Today at least. We'll take tomorrow as it comes.
My favorite coping tool :)
Next I just have to say how much I love love love my psychiatrist. We've added a few new diagnoses to my list, but I'm ok with that. I've had several sleepwalking episodes over the last month. Some of which were thoroughly embarrassing. Some of which were funny. Some of which were just weird. So add sleepwalking to the list. Turns out there's an actual diagnosis of "sleepwalking and eating." Which is. Like. Definition Brittany. So she took me off 2 sleep meds that weren't really working and put me on one that will hopefully help with the sleepwalking. Take 2 off, and 1 in. I'm happy with that.
Next. Folks. I have been having some major racing thoughts which have made school practically impossible for me. Which really screws with my confidence and self esteem and hope for the future. I just can't seem to focus. Everything is just in skim mode and I absorb zilch and can apply nada. So. Turns out she thinks I am in need of...a stimulant. That's right. My mom tried bringing this up like 3 or 4 years ago and we just got shut down. That was with a different psychiatrist. Yesterday my current psychiatrist started listing off symptoms and how it can go unnoticed for awhile in some people because they are able to compensate with their intelligence but at some point that plateaus and then it's not good. Everything she listed off was like..."um. yes. exactly me. yes." So I'm pretty seriously stoked that she was willing to consider that as an option for me and I'm really hopeful that this will help me in a variety of areas of my life.
She is 100% invested
Wow wow wow wow. That was a lot longer and deeper that I had intended on going. I guess I just had a lot to say and that wasn't even everything. There's even more to share, but I think I'll stop here.
Oh, one more thing. I spent A LOT of time working on my website last weekend. I think I have everything cleaned up. It turns out I don't think my newsletter had been going out for nearly a year. So you should get an email every time I publish a new post. If you're a subscriber and are reading this and you did NOT receive my newsletter, please please let me know. Also, if something looks weird with the newsletter, please let me know. I will not be offended. I need your help. It's kind of a trial and error thing. And I lose a lot of readers if my newsletter doesn't go out or gets sent to people's spam folders. And since you can't know about my new posts via Facebook, you need to subscribe and get my newsletter :)
Stargazing
"Well aren't you living on the edge?" says Dad.
He means I'm drinking a cup of coffee in the afternoon. Maybe it will keep me up past 7:30 tonight. It certainly can't hurt my sleeping pattern at this point. I'm exhausted.
But that's not why I'm writing today. Nope. I'm not going to complain today. Today I'm going to write about victory.
It may be a victory you're tired of seeing me post about on social media, but I'm going to write about it anyway. Because it's important to me.
I went back to school this week. That's right. Back to school. And boy has it been a journey getting here. A long one.
I've been wanting to go back to school for awhile now and I've even tried a few times. I went to Stevenson right after I graduated from Carroll Community College, but had to withdraw the first week of classes for a variety of reasons. Mostly I found myself in desperate need of a full-time job, which meant no full-time school for me.
Fast forward 3 years and I find myself caught up in the idea of school again. My sister graduated from grad school and kind of inspired me. I wanted to go back. So I started looking at my options and I decided to go the online route. You might remember a blog post I wrote about it. I was trying to decide between 2 schools and asked for some input. Well I made it 3 days into the semester before withdrawing. I just got so overwhelmed. My anxiety was out of control at that point. It led to a downward spiral which ultimately landed me in treatment again. It was bad.
But I still wanted to do it. It's still been on my mind. Why?
Why do I want to go back to school, you may ask. And it's an important question to answer. So let's go down the list:
I love my job, but I can't stay here forever. I want to build a better life for Skylar and I. I want to be moving forward. Planning for the future. I'm not getting anywhere in my field without something more than an associates degree. So school it is.
I get bored. At work. At home. I have too much free time and it only gets me into trouble. I need something that challenges me and makes me better.
I need to get out of my bubble. Meet new people. Expand my horizons. I need to put myself out there.
I don't like to start something and not finish it. I started my undergraduate degree 14 years ago. I hate leaving that unfinished. I want to check it off the list.
But mostly I want to go back to school because I can. I know I can. I know that I can do it. It might take me a while and it might be hard. But I can do it.
But how? I've tried and been nothing but unsuccessful. I don't have a very good track record with following through on this school thing. I always run into some major obstacle that holds me back. What will make this time different? I didn't even know where to start.
So I decided to use my resources. I emailed an old professor and we met for coffee and talked about my future and she helped me figure some things out. She said that she had no doubt that I could do online courses, but that I thrive in the classroom. And she's right. So we decided a brick and mortar school would be best. But I mean...duh. I've been saying that for years now. It just seemed impractical. Where would I go that would work with my schedule? I had no idea.
Then she brought up the University of Baltimore. It's actually a school I was looking at transferring to after I graduated from Carroll. I decided against it when I was passed over for a scholarship that I was practically guaranteed. I got pretty bitter. Then I decided on Stevenson. End of story.
But hmm. University of Baltimore, you say? It's worth a thought. It's local. Has a good reputation. Offers evening courses. Is transfer friendly. Why not give it a whirl?
So I applied. And I was accepted. I went to advising. I picked a class. I registered. I bought my textbook. I went to orientation. And I survived my first night of class. I even made it back to my car at 8pm in the middle of Baltimore City. Bam.
It sounds trivial when I put it like that. Easy. A no-brainer. But it wasn't. It was a process laced with anxiety and self doubt. And some more anxiety. Which a side of anxiety. And anxiety for dessert. Ok, so there was a lot of anxiety. Get it?
And there still is. But you know what? I can do it.
I didn't want to write about it as I was going through the process. And I'm still a little bit hesitant. I'm not out of the woods quite yet. There is still time to withdraw lol. But I'm not going to. I'm going to finish this.
I didn't want to write about something that had potential, then have to tell the world I failed to follow through. Again. I didn't want to get your hopes up. I didn't want to have you cheering for the loosing team.
But you're only a loser if you don't try. And it doesn't hurt to have a team of cheerleaders by your side during the game, now does it?
Why am I so hesitant to write about the good? The things that excite me? That give me hope? I take pride in being real on this blog. Being vulnerable. Mostly I interpret that to being open about my struggles. But what if being vulnerable is also about sharing my hopes and dreams? Especially when they're laced with doubt and the opportunity for disappointment. What about that?
So here's something I'm excited about. I'm going back to school. I'm only taking one class this semester, with the intention of taking 2 going forward. This semester is Finance 331. A 300 level course scares me, but guess what. That's what I'm left with. Upper level classes. Suck it up, Brittany. You're in the big leagues now.
I've done the math and it looks like I have 4 years to go. Which is overwhelming. And a little bit depressing. But when you look at the span of a lifetime, it's really not much when it comes down to doing what you want to do with your life. Right? Plus I talked them into counting my calc II as college algebra. I mean I didn't nearly kill myself as a high school senior taking advanced AP calculus to have to take college algebra 14 years later. So I've got that going for me at least.
My major is business administration with a specialization in accounting. Accounting is the specialization that requires the most classes to graduate. Go figure. But it's what I want to do. I want to be a CPA and work as a forensic accountant. Possibly for the FBI. And you've gotta start somewhere. I'm starting on Thursday nights, in room 305, in the business center, at the University of Baltimore.
Class of whenever.
When I Grow Up
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
It's a question every kid is asked. I went through phases. I wanted to be an oceanographer. Then a lawyer. Then the president. Then a doctor.
I think it's a silly question to ask a child. Kids should be kids. They shouldn't have to pick the pathway to their future at such a young age. They should keep an open mind and try out all sorts of things. Even in high school. Heck, even their first year of college. You shouldn't be expected to have life figured out by age 18. It's ridiculous.
(Now some kids do know, and that's cool too. I'm just saying they shouldn't be pressured to make a decision.)
But still, the question is asked: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
To which I believe there is one acceptable answer: "Happy."
I want to be happy when I grow up. Happy means all sorts of things. Do some research. It's not a selfish aspiration. In fact, it's proven that happiness comes from helping others. Being happy is a good goal.
But still, it has me thinking. I am 31 years old and I STILL have NO IDEA what I want to be when I grow up (other than happy). None whatsoever. And it's actually really frustrating.
I'm thinking about going back to school. I have my associates degree in business administration. I would like to get my bachelor's degree. But IN WHAT?!?! I have no idea.
Someone asked me, "Well, what are your goals? If you could have your dream job, what would it be?" I have NO IDEA. It's terrible.
Actually no, that's a lie. I'd like to be an author and motivational speaker. But they don't award degrees in that. And I don't want to be an English major.
Anyway, back to the drawing board. What do I want to be when I grow up? Ugh. Gosh darn it. How am I supposed to know what to study if I don't have any career goals?
Let me break it down for you. I have a few options. I'm basically deciding between 2 schools. They're online schools, because right now I think attending classes at a brick and mortar school just isn't realistic for me.
School #1: University of Maryland University College (UMUC). I could complete my bachelor's degree in business administration with 34 credits. It's cheaper. Not as friendly. 10 week classes with 5 "semesters" a year. Which means I could complete my degree in 2 years. And that's if I only take one class at a time. That's not too bad. Not bad at all.
School #2: Southern New Hampshire University (SNHU). Here's where the options start weighing me down. I could just do a regular business administration degree. I haven't gotten an official transcript evaluation yet, so I'm just doing some guessing here. I'm probably going to need a minimum of 39 credits for a regular business admin degree. SNHU offers specializations that are really interesting to me. There's an organizational leadership specialization that would require an additional 15 credits. Then there's an accounting degree. The only reason I'm considering an accounting degree is because (a) I'm apparently really good at it and (b) SNHU offers a forensic accounting specialization. Which is awesome. I'm thinking an accounting degree would land me 51 credits with an additional 9 for the specialization. SNHU is more expensive, but a lot more personal. You get an individual advisor who checks in on you and helps you stay on track. They have 8 week classes with 6 "semesters" a year. So if I just got the business admin degree with the 39 credits, it would also take me about 2 years with taking one class at a time. Add on the specialization classes and we're looking at another year. Consider the accounting major and...oh gosh I think I just talked myself out of it.
Typing it out makes it looks like a no-brainer. UMUC is cheaper and faster. End of story. Today at least.
I might change my mind tomorrow.
Is cheaper and faster necessarily better? Maybe. Maybe not.
Is it worth it to spend some extra time and get a degree that is especially interesting to me? Maybe. Maybe not.
They say that an undergraduate degree is really about showing employers that you're able to set a goal and accomplish it. Your field of study isn't necessarily all that important. Do you buy it? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.
Today I want fast and cheap. Tomorrow I might want a more user friendly experience. The next day I might want to be an astronaut or something. You never know.
My brain is spinning at this point, folks. I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, so making a decision like this is SCARY.
All I know is that it's time. It's time to start. I hesitated to write this post because it meant publicizing the fact that I intend on going back to school. I've tried it before, and it hasn't worked out. So I don't really want to put myself out there on the big old internet. But it's time. It's time to start. And I need your help! I don't often get many opinions, but...I WANT YOUR OPINION!! Or rather, your experience. Any advice. What you wish you had or hadn't done. What you would recommend to your kid if they were facing a decision like this. Anything. Please, leave a comment :)
Everything They Told You About Following Is Wrong
It's true. Everything they told you about following is wrong.
When I first decided to embark on this "serious" blogging adventure, I did a TON of research. I researched various blogging platforms, hosting services, themes, color schemes, marketing strategies, networking sites...you name it. In the end, I picked WordPress over Squarespace, JustHost over Go Daddy, and the Genesis Theme over everything free. I made an investment and I must say that I have been satisfied. All the time spent researching has proven to be very valuable and fulfilling.
There is one thing, however, that I have been disappointed in. All of my research on the subject of social media indicated that I should select just one platform to focus on at a time. I decided to submerge myself in Twitter. I developed what I considered to be a pretty decent following. Everything that I read told you to follow anyone who follows you. So I did.
Sort of. I added a few of my own conditions. I don't follow anyone who still has an egg head profile picture and I don't follow anyone who has a bio that mentions purchasing 1,000 followers for $30. That's just sketchy.
Then I started seeing a lot of unwanted content on my timeline. Some of which were inappropriate, some of which were just annoying. So if someone follows me, I tap on their profile and scroll through their recent history to see what kind of content they promote. If it's inappropriate, I don't follow them. If it's appropriate but I have no interest in their content, I follow and mute them. If it's appropriate and interesting, I follow them.
I thought I had this Twitter thing down to a science. I was following the best Twitter advice I could find while maintaining decency and relevance. Perfection. Until I encountered something I never ever heard about.
One day, I tapped to follow a new follower and received this message:
Blocked: You are unable to follow more people at this time.
What??
Apparently, each Twitter user is only technically allowed to follow 2,000 accounts. In all of my research, I never came across this information. Everything I read said something along the lines of "to gain followers, you must first follow." This technicality stands in opposition to everything I read.
Twitter is very elusive in describing this 2,000 follow limit. Some say that there is a super secret ratio algorithm. The number of people who follow you has to be at least 80% of the number of people that you follow. That's bologna. I follow 2,577 profiles. If this ratio was true, I would need to have a minimum of 2,062 followers in order to keep following additional people. I have 2,341 followers. There is no reason that I shouldn't be able to follow more people. It's ridiculous.
There's a moral to this story and it honestly has nothing to do with Twitter or ratios or 2,000 limits.
It has to do with the evolution of what a "follow" means to me.
At first it was just a way of building credibility. In order to land a freelance gig, businesses look at sample work and various statistics. Social Media "Presence" can play a major role. From this point of view, a follow is honestly quite worthless.
Following later became a way to meet new people and network. Which means I'm more selective in who I follow. Today, I view a follow as an endorsement. If I follow you, it means that I believe what you have to say has value. It doesn't necessarily mean that I agree with you. I simply believe that you have something to contribute.
In addition to Twitter, I'm also on Instagram. My Instagram community is a lot smaller than it is on Twitter. Quality over quantity. I unfollow people if I don't like their pictures. Call me a snob.
I recently unfollowed someone because of a single picture. The individual is an "It Works" consultant and posted a before and after picture of a young woman (It Works sells wraps that claim to shrink away fat, stimulate hair growth, and build strong, healthy nails...among other things). On the right hand side was the "before" image with the "after" image on the left. In the before picture, the woman was standing in the ocean, kissing her husband, with a small child pulling at her leg. In the after picture, she was standing profile in front of a mirror taking a selfie. There were numbers; she had obviously lost a significant amount of weight between the before and after shots.
But the part that truly angered me was the text. Under the before image, the text said "miserable." Under the after image, the text said "happy, happy, happy."
So when she was on vacation with her family, wading in the ocean, and kissing her husband...she was miserable. When she was examining her reflection in the mirror...she was happy.
All because of subtraction.
We measure our satisfaction and joy using numbers on a scale rather than the quality of our relationships. We're happier in our cubicles than we are on vacation because "at least we're more photogenic."
I'm guilty. I do it all the time. I look back at pictures and think, "If I was unhappy with my weight, I must have been unhappy with my life." And sometimes it's true. Sometimes weight and happiness collide, in the same way that sometimes the radio starts playing the song that's been on repeat in my head all day. It happens. But I can look back at other pictures, too. "I look good in that picture, but gosh was I miserable."
Emotions and life satisfaction don't have to be linked to weight. In fact, they shouldn't be. Since when was that a thing? It's something that's been bothering me a lot these days. I gained a decent amount of weight while in treatment the last 6 months. I won't be descriptive, but it was weight that needed to be gained. That doesn't mean that I'm happy with it. At all. I've been "rehabilitated" and now I'm on to "maintenance." They say this is the hardest part. Sitting with it. Not acting on symptoms. I'd agree. It sucks. It's worth it, but it still sucks.
The other day I was flipping through the Bible that I used while at Mercy in 2012. Tucked within the cover was a picture from a conference (the best women's conference EVER). It was of me and several other Mercy girls. I looked happy. I remember being happy. Genuinely happy. And then I started thinking. "Brittany, you know...in that picture...you actually weighed a little bit more than what you do now."
My hope is that one day, those kind of thoughts won't even cross my mind. It makes me sad that weight enters into my train of thought when recalling happy memories. But for now, that's my reality. And this once, it might be a good thing.
I keep looking at that picture. My smile is real, my skin is glowing, and I'm with incredible friends having an amazing time in room radiating God's presence. I was happy. It is possible. And it has nothing to do with a silly number on a stupid scale.
I've never been one for vision boards, but I've been thinking about making one. It would probably be a circle, because I find meaning in circles and this photograph would be at its center. A daily reminder of the fact that everything I want CAN equal everything I have. Right here. Right now.
“Summer Suits You”
For most people, writer's block comes when they can't think of anything to say. I am not most people. I experience writer's block most frequently when I have a lot to say. There are so many ideas. There is so much emotion. The passion is overwhelming. I don't even know where or how to start.
I'm not going to tip-toe around the point of this post because I have a lot to say and I don't want to risk losing your attention: I am taking this semester off from school.
The official term is "taking a hiatus". I like this term; "I'm taking a hiatus" sounds and feels a lot better than "yeah, I decided to drop out." Hey, I'm a writer; words are important to me like that.
My hip injury has plagued me for nearly 10 years now. I first fractured my femur in January of 2005 and I've always told people that not coming home to take care of myself was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. I didn't want to miss out or lose momentum, so I kept on pushing through and I've been doing it ever since.
As luck would have it, I somehow re-injured my hip last week. It's not going to require surgery, but the recovery process is going to be long. Most of my surgeries have occurred mid-semester. It's easy to push through when you're halfway there, thoroughly invested in your coursework, and have a reliable reputation as a decent student. But I don't have any of that right now. I'm a week in and it feels like it's mile 21 of a marathon. None of my professors know me. And I have the luxury of looking behind at the past for a glimpse of what my future would hold should I decide to push through just one more time.
The truth is I didn't have to withdraw. If you were to look at the history of my injury, you'd probably ask, "Why now? The one time you DON'T need surgery is the one time you DO withdraw? What's up with that?" Good question. I could have done it. I know I could have. But at what cost?
One of my greatest concerns about deciding to withdraw was what people were going to think and say. I felt like I needed a really good reason to do it. I think a lot of us fall into that trap. We think that we should stay in school until we literally can't do it anymore; until we're checked into the hospital for some physical, mental, or emotional diagnoses or threatened within an inch of our lives. Who made up that rule? It's backwards. The whole thing is backwards.
We think we need a really good reason to take a semester off. And we do. But we need to change our definition of what a good reason really is.
Traditionally, it is in my nature to continue pushing through until my life, body, and sanity shatter into a million pieces. That takes awhile to clean up and I'm usually practically useless for the first several months of the process. It's horrible. It's scary. It's messy. But for some reason I believed that it was the only permissible way.
Today, I'm doing things a little bit differently. I'm in tune with my body, my mind, and my environment. I can sense danger and make choices that will protect and preserve me. I let myself look at the broken pieces and pick them up rather than waiting until things shatter into dust.
I've decided to take the semester off because it's what's best for me. I need to let my body heal. I've been at war with my body for nearly a decade now. It drains me of my energy, enthusiasm, patience, and capacity to love. I'm tired of that. My body is pleading with me for care and attention and it's pulled my soul on board as well.
My "free time" will be well spent. I plan on investing in my blog, working on my freelance career, reading fiction and non-fiction books, learning to cook, and dedicating myself wholeheartedly to rehabilitating my hip. I plan on being a mom to my daughter. I plan on filling my lungs with air and breathing again.
The title of this post is "Summer Suits You". I know that summer is nearly over, but the title really has nothing to do with summertime and everything to do with 3 words spoken to me by my marketing professor several months ago. It was a few weeks after graduation and I ran into her in Target. We were chatting for a good 20 minutes when she looked at me and said, "Gosh Brittany, summer suits you." She wasn't talking about my tan or my cute sundress. She was talking about my affect. I laughed at the time, but I was also a little bit sad. I was sad that the difference between the "School Brittany" and the "Summer Brittany" was so drastic. I wanted to spend the summer getting to a place in my mind where I could maintain the summer affect in the midst of a semester at college.
I didn't quite meet the mark on that one, but I've bought myself some extra time. I want to find that place in my mind where summer and winter combine and form something glorious. I know it exists. I know it's possible. And I believe this hiatus is my opportunity to press in rather than push through.
What steps do you take to engage in self-care?
LIVE! from Summit Day 2
As promised, I'm typing live from the Global Leadership Summit LifePoint Church satellite location (well it's as close to live as you're going to get from me at least). It's lunchtime and I managed to sneak away for a few minutes to bring you a few insights from this morning's sessions.
It's really difficult to put an experience like this into words. These speakers have the ability to stir up something within me. Something great; too great to be described by the simplicity of the English language. Which kind of brings me to the subject of this afternoon's post.
Bill Hybels hosted a session with 3 incredible leaders and they each left a mark on my soul. Essentially, they were discussing the integration of faith in the workplace and how they have made doing so a reality in their own lives and businesses. It was inspiring to listen to. Truly.
Following their talks, Bill Hybels came back to the stage and explained the purpose of the session once: The Grander Vision. He (once again) explained what's been on my heart. He said something along the lines of, "Many people ask, 'Is this all there is? Is this all I am? Will my life ever be used for a higher purpose?'"
Wow. I mean, I don't know about you, but those questions have run through my mind more than once. It's what I've frequently explained as restlessness. Dissatisfaction. A deep yearning for "more" with an underlying certainty that "more" exists.
I know that restlessness has been placed in my heart for a reason. I know that God refuses to allow me to be satisfied until I come into sync with His purpose for my life. And I'm grateful. I really am. My heart is overflowing with gratitude because I truly have no desire to settle for less.
It sounds so simple. My gut instinct is to say "Of course; I know that." But if I truly know it, then I have the responsibility to act on it. As Bill put it, my role is to serve people joyfully and without discrimination. That is where I will find satisfaction on this side of eternity.
What came next is something that needs to happen more often in our lives. We sat back in silence and asked God to speak to us; to reveal something to us that was not of ourselves. To give us a piece of His vision for our lives. And can I be honest? I was a little bit distracted.
I was suddenly overwhelmed. At first I was like "How can God answer this question individually for each of the thousands of people offering up this prayer in one moment?" I know He's God and I know it's not really an issue for Him. But still the thought crossed my mind. Then--suddenly--I stopped.
What if He was waiting? What if He has been preparing for this moment. What if He is so proud of Bill Hybels for creating an environment where thousands of people drop everything they are doing to pause and turn to Him and plead with Him for direction, purpose, vision, and true satisfaction with the sole desire of aligning themselves with His will for their lives?
I am overwhelmed right now. I can see God rubbing His hands together in eager anticipation. Tears streaming down His face when He hears our quiet cry for guidance and feels our hands stretch out to Him. It's beautiful.
So what about you? I know I won't get many comments on this one, but I'd still like to challenge you to answer this question for yourself:
Are you bankrupt in satisfaction?
“See You At The Summit”
My brain seriously feels like it's going to explode. But that would be really messy and let's be honest: Ain't nobody got time for that. I'm overwhelmed. It's Summit week across the nation and I'm kind of sad that a lot of you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. The Global Leadership Summit is a massive conference executed by the Willow Creek Association. It is held at Willow Creek Community Church in Illinois and there are over 300 satellite locations streaming the conference live today and tomorrow. It is PACKED full of awesomeness.
Last year was my first GLS and it seriously changed my life. That is not an exaggeration. It is truth. 100% absolute truth. Speaker after speaker gets up on that stage and they each blow my mind and ignite a fire of passion in my soul. Sometimes I'm laughing and sometimes there are tears streaming down my face. But I'm always overwhelmed by possibility and this deep yearning to live my life intentionally. Every single moment of it.
At the end of last year's summit, I promised myself that I would go again this year. In May I checked with my boss to see if I could get that Friday off (Thursdays are already my "official day off") and she said of course. But then life happened. We took a spontaneous vacation in June and I had surgery in July. I had taken so much time off of work this summer that I didn't even want to ask to have August 15th off too. The ministry team I work with at my church said that I could go for just Thursday, which was awesome. I was so excited. But I knew myself. I knew if I went on Thursday, it would nearly kill me to miss out on Day 2 of the summit. So I sucked it up and asked my boss for one more Friday off. She said yes.
All of this happened less than a week ago and it has been a whirlwind of a week. I haven't really had a chance to prepare my mind and heart for the GLS this year. The anticipation wasn't built up like it was last year. But the excitement...oh. my. gosh. You have no idea. Last night I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve. I knew how much the summit impacted me last year and I was ready. I was expectant.
I am raw right now; it took me quite some time to even dial myself down enough to sit and think. I do my best reflecting when I'm writing, so I'm going to give you a quick recap of...
Top 5 Things That Have Impacted Me During Day 1 of the Global Leadership Summit:
Bill Hybels talked a lot about vision and the importance of making a "Legacy Play." Um, can we back track to my blog post 2 months ago when I talked about developing a vision and my desire to leave a legacy? God didn't miss a BEAT and spoke straight to my heart first thing this morning. Bill talked about how, when we leave this world, a gravestone is what represents our lives: 2 dates with a dash in-between (he's never seen a U-Haul in a graveyard). He asked a simple yet challenging question:
“What will you do with your dash?”
Carly Fiorina boldly proclaimed that human potential is the only limitless resource in the entire world. She explained that the role of a leader is to build a framework consisting of vision, organization, metrics, and culture.
“Set the frame, then set your people free.”
Jeffrey Immelt is the President and CEO of General Electric and he had lots of insightful points to offer during his interview with Bill Hybels. He talked about how it's not your supervisor or the people you manage who determine where you go; it's your peers. Your supervisor has to "like" you because he hired you and your employees have to "like" you because you're their boss. But you have to earn the trust and respect of your peers.
“Horizontal strength is what keeps organizations together.”
Susan Cain spoke on challenging the extrovert ideal by revealing the power of introverts. Her talk spoke to me in a unique way. She wasn't exactly an especially eloquent speaker, but she knew she had something important to say and she knew that she was the best person to say it. So she did. Our culture values extroversion and equates it with "good leadership." She challenged us to see the strengths in both extroverts and introverts and to create an environment and culture that caters to the needs of each. Group work has its place, but solitude can lead to equal (if not greater) degrees of success.
“May you have the courage to speak softly.”
Patrick Lencioni was tied for my favorite speaker last year and he made an even more impressive appearance today (the GLS faculty changes every year but they keep asking Patrick back...he must be doing something right). He talked about the most dangerous mistakes that leaders make and he did so with humor that only he could pull off respectfully. One of the mistakes he spoke about was becoming a leader for the wrong reason. The right reason for becoming a leader is the desire to sacrifice yourself for the good of others, even when you know there won't be a return on investment. He said he's tired of hearing about servant leadership.
“Servant leadership is the only kind of leadership. Otherwise it’s just economics”
I know it probably doesn't sound or look like it, but these are just a few tiny snips of what one day of the GLS contains; the nuts and bolts of some very compelling and thought-provoking topics. This won't be the last you hear of the summit from me. I was hoping to do a "live blog feed" during the lunch break today, but maybe I'll be able to pull it off tomorrow. Regardless, I can pretty much guarantee you that I will do a more in-depth post about one or more of the speakers over the next few weeks. There's so much good information and it needs to be processed and shared. Attending the GLS won't make you a better leader; intentionally applying what you learn will.
My question for you today is the same question Bill Hybels asked me at 10:00 this morning:
What will you do with your dash?
5 Tips for Buying Textbooks
I can't believe it's August already! It seems like just yesterday that I was walking across the stage on graduation day. But alas, I've received my first email from Stevenson University informing me that I have to complete an online tutorial class before I can take my actual online class that begins on August 25th.
Let me indulge myself and go on a mini-rant. First of all, the "actual" online class that I'm taking at SU this fall is an Advanced Microsoft Office course. Please note that this class covers the material that I practically teach and grade as an instructional technician at the community college. The fact that I have to take this class is kind of silly, but SU uses a slightly different textbook and it will hopefully be 3 "easy credits."
Anyway, as annoying as it is, I do like the fact that you have to take a tutorial class before being eligible for online courses at SU. The tutorial covers all of the basics of online learning, shows you how to access your courses, outlines general expectations, and basically eliminates any excuses that a student might try to use while enrolled in an online class. As a TA, I'm really impressed. I hope my community college considers a similar protocol in the future.
As part of the tutorial, I learned how to access the university bookstore and figure out what textbooks my courses require. The nerd in me was pretty excited. I started jotting down textbooks and prices and by the time I finished, my jaw dropped: $880 for one semester's worth of textbooks. Yikes.
Luckily the textbook price tag doesn't get me too worked up anymore. It's figured into my budget and my financial aid package. I also have a system for deciding where and how to get my hands on each textbook. I realize that this has come from a lot of research and that this time of year is stressful for a lot of people, so I've decided to make it the topic of today's Five for Friday post!
5 Things To Do When Faced With Buying College Textbooks:
Visit your university bookstore. This can usually be done online and I recommend using this option (you don't have bookstore staff breathing down your neck and pressuring you to BUY NOW). You type in the course code and it will list the required textbook(s). Write down the title, author, edition, and ISBN. Then write down the price for new and used versions, as well as availability.
Some classes will have textbooks, workbooks, or software that is exclusive to your university. Pay close attention because you'll want to purchase these materials directly from the university bookstore!
Go on Amazon. Type in the ISBN for each textbook.
Write down the cost of new and used versions of your textbooks.
Amazon also offers some textbooks for rental. Write down this price as well.
Some books are available as Kindle ebooks (and some you can even rent as Kindle ebooks). Write down these prices too!
If you have an iPad, log into the iBooks store. The iBooks store doesn't have as large of a selection of textbooks, but it is growing at a steady pace and they do offer some books that aren't available as a Kindle edition. Type in the ISBN. Write down the price.
Keep in mind that you can also open PDF documents in iBooks for easy reading!
Visit a few textbook sell-back websites (ValoreBoks, TextbookRush, SellBackYourBook, etc). Type in the ISBN. Write down how much money you would get if you were to sell the textbook back at the end of the semester. But remember, these prices can change drastically over the next 4 months (especially if a new edition of the book is released).
There is a handy app called BookScouter that you can download to your phone. You can either scan the book barcode or type in an ISBN number. The app will search the top textbook resellers and tell you exactly how much each site is paying for the book. Most of these sites offer free shipping, too. So it's almost hassle free!
Weigh the pros and cons. Everyone is different (and so is every book, class, and professor for that matter).
New v. Used: I used to hate the idea of a used book, but the price difference is huge. As long as it's readable and not too marked up, I'm definitely willing to purchase a used book at this point in my college career.
Purchase v. Rent: I also used to hate the idea of renting a textbook. I like to highlight and write in my books. But they make highlighters with ink that vanishes after time and post-it notes are a wonderful invention as well. If you rent an ebook, you can use the highlighting and note taking tool as much as you want! However, if the book is one you know you will want to use in the future, by all means purchase!
Print v. eBook: I'm a bookworm, so I will always have a special place in my heart for books in print. I also firmly believe that there are certain classes that warrant having a physical book. But I nearly always prefer the etext version of books for college courses. Those suckers are big and heavy. I take my iPad mini with me everywhere. It even fits in my purse. I'm much more likely to read a few pages of my textbook while sitting in the waiting room, in between classes, or before meeting a friend for coffee when it's loaded onto my iPad. I also love the search feature. No more skimming the book for that elusive term; just type it in the search box and go. Plus it saves my back a lot of pain, which automatically reduces the stress in my life. Don't be fooled, though. Ebooks aren't necessarily much cheaper than print; the authors and publishers still need to get paid for their work/services. They're usually cheaper than a new book but more expensive than a used one. To me, it's usually worth it anyway.
If the text is available for rent as an ebook, I will ALWAYS go this way (unless prohibited by the school or professor). It's usually the cheapest, lightest, and most sensible way to go. Amazon will even offer you a discounted price towards the end of your rental to permanently purchase the book if you decide it's something you want to hang on to.
So what about you? What tips do you have when it comes to buying college textbooks?
Showrooming
Most of you probably have no idea what showrooming is, but the truth is you probably do it several times a week. It's happening more and more and it can be both a good and bad thing. Showrooming is basically using physical stores as a showroom for your purchases. You go to Best Buy, Barnes & Noble, and department stores to see what you like. You try things on, you hold them in your hand, you flip the pages, and you pick the brains of the store employees. You pretty much do everything possible...except buy the product. You're lucky if you even get into your car before you're browsing the internet looking for the best deal.
I get it. I do the same thing. I have a hard time picturing product measurements and colors. Pictures on the internet only show you so much. There's something about seeing with my own eyes and holding with my own hands. But I have to wonder...how long will it be until we no longer have the showrooms to visit? How long until our product questions can only be answered post-purchase by a customer service agent in India? Businesses can't pay rent, stock inventory, or hire employees if they're not moving product.
We're taking advantage of our resources. We use services we aren't paying for because it's convenient, cheap, and "hassle-free." We're taking consumerism to an entirely new level.
Our irresponsibility towards our resources will have consequences. Although not quite as concerning as pollution or world hunger, I am certain that we will experience a loss due to our showrooming tendencies.
We will miss out socially as well. There's something about walking into a book store and interacting with another human. You walk into the store seeking a good read, but you find yourself in conversation about the new best-seller or an all-time favorite. You tell the desperate guy where he can get the most for his used textbook (which...ironically...is online). You get some fresh air and can listen to music during the car ride. You might even walk out with a pile of paper wrapped in fresh binding. And wouldn't that be something?
I recently read a book to my daughter and the inside of it had a letter to the parents:
“The Library of Congress conducted a survey recently that showed that the most important factor in inspiring children to read on their own is not how often the children were read to by their parents—although this is very beneficial and enjoyable—but by how often they saw their parents reading books.”
This rings true on so many levels. Don't get me wrong; I love technology. I like having my textbooks on my iPad so I don't have to carry around 30 pounds of homework on my back. I like having inspiration at my fingertips. I'm writing a blog for Pete's sake. But I also wonder if we're loosing something by our showrooming. I want my daughter to know what a bookstore is. So I compromise. If I have a list of items to purchase, I buy a few in the store and I save a few to find online. Variety is the spice of life.
Oh, and I also think I'll drag out some hard copy novels to read in front of my daughter. I don't want her to think an iPad is the only source of knowledge or entertainment; she's too little to understand that mommy is reading, not watching a movie.
So save the bookstores. Buy a book. Meet some people. Change the world.
Impossible.
They said it was impossible.
Jesus knew better, though, and he said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26)
A lot of people in my class didn't even want to walk. They thought a community college graduation was a joke. They couldn't wait to move on to stage 2. And let's face it, I'm excited for the future too.
This isn't what I pictured. 10 years ago I crossed the stage as high school valedictorian. My future was vibrant. I was ambitious. The world was my oyster. This is nothing like what I pictured for myself.
It's even better.
I have never felt more loved. More blessed. More overwhelmed with joy.
Life is precious and the life I have is truly a miracle.
So for some, yesterday was just a lame day of symbolic tradition. But for me, it was rich with meaning. As I walked across the stage and moved my tassel, my heart nearly burst with excitement. I have defied the laws of psychiatry and the reality that had been imposed upon me. By the healing power of Jesus, my hope was restored and my ability to dream has been reignited.
You'll be seeing more of me, folks. Just you wait.